Why “just being positive” isn’t serving you
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be human. I know, it’s a weird thing to be contemplating, given the fact that I’ve been living as a human for 47 years already. But for many of us, we live our lives searching for and trying to cling to the light. And when I say “light”, I’m referring to that slice of humanity that is positive, and hopeful, and grateful.
And what I’ve realised, is that this is only half of our human side. The other half, which I’ll refer to as our shadow side, is where the tough emotions live. The fear, the jealousy, the anger and the pain etc. (just an FYI – we all have a shadow side!)
For the first 33 years of my life, I lived mostly in the light. I was a bubbly, positive kind of person, with hopes, dreams and aspirations. But then infertility hit, and it showed me a different side to myself.
Infertility and pregnancy loss forces us to tap into that shadow side. And for a lot of us (me included), we struggle with this, because we’ve never been taught how to deal with these big and uncomfortable emotions. Plus, we’ve also been led to believe that there is something wrong with us for feeling them. That there is shame in it. Or that this is a sign that we’re not doing so well.
Off topic a little, but a few years ago my sister died. It was absolutely devastating, and we were all struggling to hold it together. My mum was inconsolable and was constantly crying (understandably). She was not ok. And people were worried and were saying that she wasn’t coping…… because she was expressing her emotions. But on reflection, she was the only one who was allowing the sadness to come out and be seen. The rest of us were trying to push it down and “be strong”.
Experiencing the big emotions associated with infertility or pregnancy loss is what separates “us” (those of us who are pregnant after infertility or loss) from “them” (those who haven’t experienced either). It separates those who have experienced grief and tough times, from those who haven’t. And while we begrudge and resent the fact that we’ve been exposed to the tough emotions, the heartbreak and the pain, I think it is an essential part of the human experience. It creates depth, and perspective, and meaning.
Let me clarify, that this is not me saying; be grateful for your pain or loss, and this is also definitely not me saying; everything happens for a reason or every cloud has a silver lining. What you have, or are continuing to go through is unfair. There is no denying that. But this is me saying that you have been given an opportunity to tap into the whole human experience. You get to create meaning from this pain, so that it wasn’t all for nothing.
While this may not be welcome news, we need to experience both sides of our humanity. There cannot be night, without day. There cannot be a rainbow, without rain. Life is about duality. Yin and yang, light and dark, fire and water. And while this may sound a little philosophical, it is an important thing we need to grasp.
Because the more we try to lean into the light and ignore the dark, the further away the light gets. Think about it. When you’re struggling to feel hopeful, in the midst of all the fear and uncertainty, you do all the things you can think of. You practice gratitude, you google for good news stories, you bargain with yourself, and say; when I get to this stage of my pregnancy, I’ll feel hopeful. You basically work your ass off to feel hope. And when it doesn’t happen, it feels so……. hopeless. So inadvertently, our goal has pushed us in the opposite direction.
Now, I get the resistance to experiencing the whole human experience. Because it sometimes hurts (a lot) to be human. But do you know what hurts more? Pretending that you’re not human. Faking it. Pushing down the pain and the fear and the frustration. Buying into the fallacy of perfectionism, and toxic positivity.
We see our shadow side as weak and exposed, but this where we gain our strength and courage from. It’s not where we break, it is where we are born…..into full humans.
I had always considered what type of mother I would like to be. Before I started trying to conceive (and before infertility and loss), I had a very different idea. It was more one dimensional and fixed. It was black and white. It was focused more on what they did, rather than who they became.
Becoming a parent is a huge responsibility, but you already know that, don’t you. We want to get it right, and the fact that you want that, already means you’re going to be an incredible mum. We need to raise “whole” and “real” humans, in order for them to make their way through this world we’ve created. I feel this deep inside when I think about my daughter who is growing up in a world that is dripping in patriarchy.
My dream for my children is that they are open hearted, but know how to protect themselves. That they are courageous enough to stand up for themselves, but also show respect. To push the boundaries and break free of the stereotypes, yet know when to walk away. That they are fierce in the face of danger, yet fearful enough not to do stupid shit. I want them to be vulnerable and resilient, and loving, and tough, and kind. I want them to be pessimists and optimists. I want them to be genuine and honest. I want them to know who they are, and not be afraid to show it. But also be open to change. I want them to be able to feel ALL the emotions without judging or punishing themselves.
I want them to be whole humans.
But here is the thing that may sting a little. I cannot expect them to be something that I am not. So, I have to lead by example. And this is tricky when the world around us isn’t ready to see or acknowledge both sides of the human experience. When it keeps telling us to; just be grateful and positive and perfect.
Which is why Your Pregnancy Haven is so important. When I created this community 3 years ago it was to provide a safe space for women who were pregnant after infertility or loss. But now it is more than that. We want to provide a safe space where you can be fully human, without fear of judgement.
Where you can be honest, and real, and fierce, and vulnerable, and grieve, and celebrate (and everything in between). THIS is where you will feel inspired to dream, to plan, and to do more than just survive.
Because the world may not be ready for that. Aunt Janice, who keeps telling you to just be positive, your MIL who tells you to just stop thinking about it, your partner who tells you that everything is going to be fine. They may not be ready for you in your full human state. But we are.
If you are currently pregnant after infertility or loss, and are starting to feel a little crazy, you’re not. You’re human. And instead of struggling, we have a place where you can put down that rope you’ve been playing tug of war with, and become the mum your children deserve.
The REAL kind.
If you’d like to know more about how you can become a member of our community, send me an email HERE, or head to our website at www.yourpregnancyhaven.co
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