When did we lose ourselves on this journey?
I can’t pinpoint the exact day that it happened…
But one day I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise the woman staring back at me. The thoughts I was having weren’t my own, and I couldn’t seem to control them. The way I felt in my body, held my shoulders, and the way I walked was different. I even looked different. My mouth seemed a little droopier and sad, and there were well worn worry lines in my forehead. But more importantly, the spark was missing from my eyes.
I’m not sure if it happens to those who are lucky enough not to have experienced infertility or pregnancy loss, because that is my only experience. But I do know it happens to most of us who have been down this path.
What we witness and experience on this journey, is disconnection.
It starts off small, and then it gets a little bigger, and bigger, until there is a huge chasm between who we once were, and who we are today.
So why does this happen? Many reasons, but here are a few of them.
We start “shoulding” all over ourselves. Yes, I love this saying. But that’s what we do. We start doing things, saying things, and behaving a certain way based on how we think we should. How we’ve been told to.
Despite feeling scared and anxious, we put a smile on our face and say how excited we are that we’re pregnant.
Instead of saying no to that baby shower invite, we feel pressured into going because we don’t want to be seen as selfish, despite still being triggered by them.
When we see a pregnancy announcement, we message the person saying how happy we are for them, despite being quietly jealous that they are able to lean into the joy, and speak so openly about their pregnancy, when we cannot.
We spend the bulk of our lives pretending that we’re ok, when we’re not, just to make other people feel more comfortable. When people ask us if this is our first baby, we smile and politely say yes, even though we want to say that this is our 3rd pregnancy, but unfortunately the others didn’t make it into our arms. But we keep our mouth shut, because it’s easier this way.
When we go to our ultrasound appointment, we put on a nice outfit, and some make-up, and smile at the receptionist in the clinic, despite our hands shaking and sweat dripping down our back. We are absolutely terrified, but don’t say a thing in case someone thinks there is something wrong with us.
We deny our fears, our anxiety, our grief, our jealousy, and try to find hope and faith….and feel excited. Because that’s what we’re meant to feel when we’re pregnant right? And when we can’t, we feel guilty, because we know other people would kill to be in our position. And here we are, spending the whole time feeling scared and wishing it was over already.
We even pretend that we aren’t pregnant, and try to hide it from the world, because we’re scared to tell anyone, just in case we jinx it. Or because the thought of having to go and “un-tell” people makes us feel sick to our stomach. So, we become brilliant actresses. We pretend.
People tell us that pregnancy is the most amazing experience and they felt like they were glowing, and to enjoy every moment. And when you can’t, it feels like you’re doing it wrong. So, you start berating yourself. Your thoughts aren’t your own. You can’t control them. Every twinge and cramp sends you into a tailspin.
Wondering why you’re feeling so disconnected from yourself? It’s because we’ve been pretending so much, that even we can’t tell what is true and what is not anymore. It’s because we’ve been bowing down to all the “should’s” and spending time doing things we don’t want to do. And we’ve been denying our true feelings, and struggling to feel a different way, a way that is acceptable and doesn’t make other people feel uncomfortable.
We are so out of alignment, that we lose ourselves.
But we don’t have to.
Imagine what it would be like to choose how you spend your time, without the guilt. Saying NO to the family function, or the gender reveal…….because you don’t want to.
Imagine how it would feel to speak your truth. To own the fear, the sadness, the grief, and not feel judged for it.
Imagine how it would feel to share the thoughts going through your mind and not feel so crazy or alone.
No pretending.
No having to explain WHY you’re more scared than excited.
No one dismissing your fears and telling you to just be grateful and positive.
Imagine having a place where you’re encouraged to set boundaries and stand up for yourself.
Where you’re told – you did the right thing when you start questioning yourself.
Where there is fierce loyalty.
We may not be able to change the outside world (well not today), but we can create our own community.
And that’s what we’ve done inside Your Pregnancy Haven.
We’ve created a movement, where women who are pregnant after infertility or loss, can stand together and feel seen and heard. Where we talk about the things the outside world isn’t capable of grasping.
Where we can start living back in alignment.
So that eventually, we can look in that mirror, and know exactly who we are.
Because we are freaking amazing.
Find out how you can be a part of the magic HERE.
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Join us inside Your Pregnancy Haven, our support program and community for women who are currently pregnant after infertility or loss.
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✔ Find support, knowledge and relief through our weekly group coaching calls, our in-house doula, and interviews with 30+ qualified experts.
✔ Experience hope and inspiration with our weekly emails, challenges and monthly magazine.
✔ Learn strategies and tools to help you take back control of your mindset, so you can reduce your fear, and feel moments of joy in your pregnancy.