Rewriting the stories we tell ourselves.

Pregnancy after infertility or loss is no joke.  It’s filled with fear and anxiety and all the weird and unexpected pregnancy symptoms (lightening crotch anyone?!!). 

I was scared my entire pregnancy. 

That statement is based on truth, and yet it is also false. You see, I WAS scared during my pregnancy.  Because I had waited so long for it to happen – 5 years in fact. Plus, I had experienced two losses, so I knew that bad shit didn’t just happen to other people. It also happened to me because I had been on the other side of the statistic before, so I knew the reality.

But the reason why I’m pointing out this statement is because I’d like to demonstrate the power that sweeping generalisations like this one can have on us. 

We tell ourselves a lot of stories when we’re pregnant after infertility or loss. We get caught up in the narrative we tell ourselves over and over again.  And those stories we tell ourselves keep us stuck in fear and then guilt. They push us into the victim mentality. Which doesn’t feel good.

So I’d like to help you re-write the stories you may be telling yourself about this pregnancy.  Because while I felt scared my entire pregnancy, that’s not the full story. And I’m sure it’s not yours too. 

Please note however - I’m not telling you what you’re feeling isn’t true. I’m saying that the way you’re communicating it to yourself isn’t helpful. And there is a better way that will help you feel a little lighter and find some peace in your pregnancy. 

It will also help you when you get to the end of your pregnancy too. So you don’t look back with regret and guilt. 

Based on the conversations I have with my coaching clients, and the members inside our Your Pregnancy Haven community, here are the most common stories you may be telling yourself.

Story #1 - The only thing I’m feeling right now is fear. 

It’s so easy to say this and feel like it’s true.  Because fear is a part of the pregnancy after infertility or loss journey. The reason why it seems like fear is the only thing coming up right now is because it’s stronger and louder. And because of that, it’s drowning out the other emotions you’re feeling.

So what is a more truer version of this story? The truth is that you’re feeling both fear AND hope or excitement. The truth is that you have moments of fear. And that’s ok.

Story #2 - I feel like there’s more of a chance of it going wrong.

The reason why you’re telling yourself this is because you’re trying to protect yourself. This statement allows us to feel a little safer, because we like being right.  If we say it’s going to be ok and we’re wrong, we feel foolish. So, this is preparing ourselves for the worst – so it will hurt less.

But the truth is that we actually don’t know.  We are more than a statistic.  And even though we may have been on the wrong side of the statistic a number of times before, it doesn’t mean it will happen again.  A truer version of this is to say that – I don’t know if this is going to work out.

Story #3 – If I tell anyone I’m pregnant, or feel hopeful, I’ll jinx it.

In reality, we know that this isn’t true.  The logical side of our brain tells us that our fertility is based on science, not superstition.  But when our emotions are high and we’re in a stressed state, logic sometimes leaves the building.  We could also be finding a connection in our last pregnancy – if you suffered a loss just after you posted your pregnancy announcement on social media, it may feel like that was the tipping point. But in reality, it was merely a coincidence.

A truer version of this statement is that our fertility is a little more complicated than thinking positively or jinxes.  Just as thinking about loss will not cause loss, telling someone you are pregnant will not cause a loss either. Jinxing is not real.

Story #4 – I won’t feel safe until my baby is in my arms.

This is a very common statement I hear.  And there is truth in it.  Unfortunately, when you’ve experienced a miscarriage, or have experienced fertility issues or even gone through IVF to get pregnant, we tend to go into research mode.  We know all the things that could go wrong.  Which means we know that there is no “safety zone” when it comes to pregnancy.   

But that still doesn’t mean that you won’t feel safe at certain stages. After an ultrasound appointment, when you hear that heartbeat and get confirmation from your doctor that everything looks good, there is an element of safety.  A truer statement is to say that each day you feel a little safer than you did the day before.  Because each day that passes, the statistics move in your favour.

Story #5 – I can’t survive another loss.

How many times have you said this to yourself? Pregnancy loss takes a huge toll on us physically and mentally.  It breaks our hearts every single time.  Yet every single time, you get back up again.  You do survive, because there is no other choice.

A truer version of this statement is that you don’t want to go through another loss. You CAN survive it, but you don’t want to. 

It’s so easy for us to make sweeping statements and broad generalisations.  We do this for so many reasons – for self-protection, because we’re in a stressed state, or because we want to find logic and reason where sometimes there isn’t any.

But the story you’re telling yourself matters.  Your language matters.  Because our thoughts affect our emotional state.  So then next time you start telling yourself something with conviction – ask yourself – is this the truth?  Or is there a truer version of this statement that will allow me to lean further into hope and joy in my pregnancy?

I’m curious – is there another story you’re telling yourself?  I’d love to know, so feel free to send me a message HERE.

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