How do you announce your pregnancy to a friend struggling to conceive?
Pregnancy announcements can be a huge trigger when you’re trying to conceive, are experiencing a pregnancy loss or miscarriage, and the biggest surprise of all…….when you’re pregnant!! It’s a shock, because we all imagine that when we get pregnant, it will wash away all the previous trauma and aversion we have with them.
But when you think about it, it makes complete sense that pregnancy announcements are still difficult to swallow. You have been through so much to get here – don’t discount that. You may have experienced years of being on the receiving end of a pregnancy announcement – where you have felt grief and jealousy and shame all rolled into one. And expecting all of these emotions and experiences to have wash away just by getting pregnant, well, it’s too much. Your expectations of yourself are too high. You can’t switch trauma off – if only!
So let’s validate what you’re feeling right now – it’s completely normal and understandable to still be triggered by pregnancy announcements. There is nothing wrong with you.
But here’s the thing. Because you know how hard pregnancy announcements are to receive. And because you know the pain, the spiral you can go down, the resentment, the jealousy, the anger, the fear of being left behind, the heartbreak, thoughts of “why them, and not me?” that come up. It’s completely understandable that you’d be hesitant to announce your pregnancy to a friend who is also struggling to conceive.
Infertility, pregnancy loss, and pregnancy after loss are isolating experiences. We feel so lonely, so it makes sense that when we find out that someone else is going through it too, we feel a deep level of connection, because we connect through shared experiences and pain. While we would never wish this pain on anyone else, it helps to know that you’re not alone.
So if you’re wondering how you’re going to announce your pregnancy to your friend struggling to conceive, this is for you.
Firstly, the fact that you are asking yourself this question, and worried about how to go about this, shows that you are a beautiful, compassionate person. One of the by-products of infertility and loss, is that it makes us more aware of others going through this too.
Secondly, you announcing your pregnancy, or getting pregnant is not the source of your friends’ pain. In this case, we need to consider our boundaries i.e. what am I responsible for here? Yes, your pregnancy announcement may trigger a reaction, but the source of their pain is their experience, not yours. Their pain comes from their infertility or miscarriage. So if you’re feeling guilty for potentially causing them to feel all the emotions that come up, you can put that down. Infertility and pregnancy loss is the asshole, not you.
So how do you do this? Firstly, if you know how it feels to be on the receiving end, you are the person most qualified to answer this question. What were the pregnancy announcements that had the most impact on you?
For me, if it was an announcement in public, where I couldn’t escape – say at a wedding, or a birthday party, I felt trapped and like everyone was looking at me. It would inevitably end with me spending most of my time in the bathroom stall, crying into a crusty piece of toilet paper.
If it was face to face, I could feel myself sweating, the colour rise in my face, and I would plant a fake smile on my face. Then my mouth would run at a million miles an hour telling them how happy I was for them and asking them questions about their pregnancy. In my head, I was screaming at myself to steady my voice and hold back the tears. By the time I walked away, I felt so conflicted because I had betrayed myself and my friend. I had lied to both of us.
And on those times that I found out after everyone else, well, that was like a stab to the heart. It felt like I had been betrayed by my friends, because they had excluded me. It may have been out of love because they were trying to protect me, but it made me feel like they had been talking about me behind my back, and showering pity on me. And that made me feel weak. Even if it wasn’t the case, that was the story I would play in my head – that they were sitting around feeling sorry for me.
If there were any other types of pregnancy announcements you cringed at i.e. the ones on social media that popped up without warning, take this into account also.
Put that all together, and here is my view on the most compassionate way to tell a friend who is struggling to conceive that you are pregnant –
Tell them before you tell anyone else or announce it on social media.
Send them a text message. While this may seem impersonal, it means they won’t be put on the spot to try to respond.
Show them compassion i.e. let them know you understand this may be tough for them to hear.
Do not apologise. You are not sorry you’re pregnant, you are sorry they are not. Apologies can sometimes lead us to feel pitied - and your friend does not need your pity.
Give them permission not to respond, or to unfollow you on social media if they need to. This gives them the space and the time they need to process their emotions.
Send them love.
Here’s an example –
Hi Sam, I just wanted to let you know before we tell anyone else, that we’re pregnant. After years of struggling with pregnancy announcements myself, I know how hard this is to hear. Please don’t feel like you need to respond to this message, and I completely understand if you need a little distance to process this. Unfollowing me on social media is completely acceptable too. Sending you so much love, and I’m here if or when you’re ready to chat.
More than anything else, remember that you are showing them kindness, not causing them pain. We are all responsible for holding our own emotions. Therefore, you cannot take on theirs. And you taking these steps can help minimise the additional suffering they may place on themselves as a result.
And also, please remember that you deserve to feel joy and excitement in your pregnancy too. Because it’s not easy for all of us. And if you’ve been through so much to get here, remember that this is YOUR moment too.
If you’d like more strategies and advice on how to navigate your way through pregnancy after infertility or loss, you’ll find this and a whole lot more inside Your Pregnancy Haven. This community has your back and will help you lean into the hope and excitement you deserve to feel, now that you are finally pregnant.
You can find out more HERE.
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