Just be grateful that you’re pregnant…….they say.

When you’ve experienced infertility and pregnancy loss, and are now being consumed day and night by pregnancy symptoms (or the lack thereof) and pregnancy anxiety, an “attitude of gratitude” can feel a little challenging.

And there is zero shortage of people telling you to just be grateful that you’re pregnant.  Heck, we even give ourselves this advice too!

But “Just be grateful that you’re pregnant”, is annoying because -

Firstly, it makes you feel like you’re a horrible person.  There are other people out there who would kill to be in your position – those who have never experienced a pregnancy at all.  And if you’ve struggled to get pregnant yourself, you are hyper aware of this fact too…….because you were one of them! So, when you’re told to be grateful you feel like a whining asshole (you’re not btw).

Secondly, it’s insulting. It makes you feel like you’re actually being UNGRATEFUL.  Because when people tell you to just be grateful, it insinuates that you aren’t currently grateful.  But here is what I have learned – it’s possible to be grateful that you’re pregnant, AND wish your path to get here was easier.  It is possible to be grateful that you’re pregnant, AND resent the fact that your innocence has been stripped from you and that you’re no longer able to have blind faith that this baby will end up safely in your arms.  One doesn’t cancel out the other.  It’s not one or the other.  It’s both!

And lastly, how the f*ck can you be grateful when you feel tired, nauseous, anxious, and emotionally out of control, at the same time?!  You don’t have to be grateful that you’re vomiting into the toilet bowl, or constantly squeezing your boobs for confirmation that you’re pregnant.  It’s ok to say that those things suck. 

Those who dish out this advice are looking at it through rose colored glasses.  When we look back, we usually only remember the good parts of pregnancy, not the hideous parts.  And it’s easy to remember the good parts when you’re able to enjoy a meal without wondering whether it will end up in the toilet bowl afterward.

Always looking for the silver lining has never felt good for me.  Because it completely diminishes what we’re going through.  Don’t get me wrong, I’d consider myself quite a positive person……but I’m also 100% real and like to tell the truth.  I tell it how it is.

I do however believe that gratitude is one of THE most powerful practices you can use on your pregnancy journey (and life in general).  It helps to get you back in the present moment (instead of focusing on the what ifs and worst-case scenarios), it improves your emotional resilience and calms your nervous system.  And right now, that’s probably what you need the MOST.

But here’s the trick – it has to feel genuine, without diminishing or discounting how hard this is. So how do you do this? 

As mentioned, gratitude isn’t about discounting the pain and injustice of this journey.  It isn’t about being grateful for everything or trying to see the silver lining in a shitty situation.  It’s about creating space for both.

Gratitude isn’t a matter of JUST / BUT / or AT LEAST. 

JUST be grateful. 

BUT you have so much to be grateful for.

AT LEAST you can get pregnant – it could always be worse (yes, things could always be worse, but they could also be a lot better too!). 

Gratitude is a matter of AND. 

I’m not enjoying my pregnancy AND I’m grateful I’m pregnant.

This is hard and it feels like time is going backward AND I’m grateful I’ve made it this far.

I find it annoying when people keep on giving me advice AND I’m grateful that they care.

One doesn’t have to cancel out the other. They can both co-exist.

So now that we’ve made that mindset shift, how do we create and implement a gratitude practice into your life that feels genuine and actually beneficial for you?

I’m going to share the technique that I use, so this isn’t just something you tick off your to-do list, because you’re scared you’ll jinx it if you don’t.  It’s important that the things we do actually make us feel better.  Otherwise, what’s the point, right?!

A couple of years ago, I started writing down 5 things that I was grateful for every day.  And by the end of the first week, I was bored.  I kept on listing the same 5 things each time.  I was grateful for my home, my job, my partner, my family, my friends etc etc. Same shit, different day. And because of that, it seemed like a waste of time, so I stopped doing it.

Then I discovered a new way of doing it that worked for me.

Each day I write down 5 MOMENTS I’m grateful for, as opposed to 5 things. That way it isn’t so superficial and circumstantial. And then I get even more specific.  I choose moments that happened over the last 24 hours.  Which makes it a little more relevant. It could be a great car park at the grocery store, watching a beautiful sunrise, seeing a shooting star or a rainbow, a walk on the beach, that first sip of coffee in the morning, reading a good book, a sleep in.  Even on the hardest days, there are small moments that you can find.

Then when I write them down, I take a minute to feel the beauty I felt in each moment.  I go back to that moment mentally, and let it wash over me, breathe it in, and sit in that moment of gratitude.  And it feels great.  It isn’t just ticking something off the to-do list – I feel better instantly. My heart fills full and it has a physical impact on me.

If you create a daily ritual to do this, what will happen is that you go out in search of those moments.  When you set the habit of writing them down at the beginning or end of the day, you’re more likely to recognize those moments as they occur.  You’ll be more present in the moment. So, when you see the sunrise, a little voice says, I am grateful for this moment.  And then when you write them down and reflect on them, you’ll get the benefit again.  All it takes is 5 minutes!

And that can help you appreciate the little things, without discounting how hard this journey is.

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