Tips for announcing your pregnancy, when pregnant after loss.

Hearing pregnancy announcements has been a huge trigger for so long.  So what do you do when your own pregnancy announcement triggers you?

You've dreamed of this moment for so long. You had the perfect pregnancy announcement planned in your head, but now it comes to actually telling the world that you're pregnant, and you can't bring yourself to do it.

Firstly, there is nothing wrong with you, and you're not alone. This is (still) one of the greatest sources of anxiety when you're pregnant after loss.  To be honest with you, my husband and I didn’t really announce our pregnancy to the world at all.  It was too scary to even comprehend, for so many reasons that are completely valid.  And none of those reasons is because there is something wrong with you.  It's normal that you feel scared right now.

Firstly, we're scared to announce it, for fear that we will have to take it back. And that thought makes us feel sick to our stomach. For us, two lines on a pregnancy test doesn’t automatically equal a baby. If you’ve already had a miscarriage, you know the risks.  And you know how it feels to have to tell people when it didn’t work out.  It’s understandable that you’re a little trigger shy.

Secondly, we're worried that we'll "jinx it" and somehow putting it out into the universe will end it - because we've had so much bad luck in the past, we’ve come to expect it.  And even though the rational side of your brain knows that jinxes are absolute bollocks, there’s still a part of you that doesn’t want to test that theory.

Thirdly, we've been on the receiving end of so many pregnancy announcements and hated them for so long, they don't have the same appeal. It is no longer wrapped in excitement; the dread has been imprinted on our psyche forever.  That feeling in the pit of your stomach whenever you see one has created trauma that you can’t get past.

And finally, because we know how much they hurt, we don't want to put anyone else through that - so we're not sure how to announce it in a non-triggering way.

Here are some things to help guide you, if the thought of announcing your pregnancy gives you more anxiety than excitement.  

When should you announce your pregnancy?

It’s simple really……when you're ready!! I know the unspoken rule that everyone seems to abide by is 12 weeks. Apparently, that’s the safety zone, but for some of us, we never feel safe. You don't have to do that. You have a right to do what is comfortable for you. And if you decide it’s on a need-to-know basis, that's your decision.

It's important to set some boundaries here too. If people aren't happy because they didn't find out sooner - that's their problem, not yours.  You are not responsible for their reaction.  You are responsible for doing what feels right for you. Remember – you have been through so much to get here, therefore you have earned the right to choose to do what feels good for you.  YOUR mental health and comfort are the only things that matter right now. 

Also, you don’t need to know WHEN you’re going to announce your pregnancy, right now.  Because we never know how we’re going to feel in the future.  The only thing you know is how you feel today. So, keep checking in each week and ask yourself – do I feel comfortable yet?  If the answer is no, that’s ok.  Ask again in a couple of weeks’ time.

How should you announce?

You don't have to do a big public announcement on social media if it makes you feel sick. It may be what is expected and what everyone else is doing, however your path to get here has looked a little different. You don’t have to go the traditional route. If it doesn’t feel comfortable, you could tell people as you gradually catch up with them, or make a few phone calls. But most importantly, don't feel pressure to do something you're not comfortable with. Remember that this is your pregnancy and your news. You get to share it with whomever you want, however you want.

What do you do when your partner wants to announce and you don’t (or vice versa)?

We have to remember that our partner, while they have been on the same journey as us, has had a very different experience.  We may not be at the same stage in our excitement and trust that this will all work out in the end.  And that’s ok, and is completely normal. 

So how do we find that middle ground?  Firstly, communication is key.  Let them know how you feel about announcing and what is giving you the most anxiety.  Remember that you don’t have to justify or defend your emotions, because they are real. Nor do you have to make them understand from your point of view.  You merely have to communicate where your fears are.   

Middle ground could look like them telling a few people, as opposed to making a public announcement.  Or having a gender reveal and recording it and sending it to friends, rather than having a big in-person party.  Work out how both of your needs can be met.  How you can still achieve what you want, but without it triggering a whole heap of unnecessary anxiety.

How can you be sensitive to others who are still struggling with infertility and loss?

You're already the expert on this. You've seen enough pregnancy announcements to know what hurts and what doesn't. You can mention your path to get here if you'd like to soften the blow, but you don't have to if you don't feel comfortable.

If you have friends who are also struggling with infertility or loss, send them a message before they find out about it from anyone else. Let them know that you completely understand if this is hard for them to hear, and give them permission that they don't have to respond.

Remember also that you are not causing them pain – they are already in pain. And you are not responsible for that. You don’t have to feel guilty for being pregnant.  You deserve this joy.

Language you can use to create boundaries for others.

There's nothing worse than telling people you are pregnant, and them screaming with excitement that doesn't match yours. Their excitement can cause fear in you - and it can make you feel like there's something wrong with you (which there is not). In order to encourage people to reign in their excitement to a level that you're comfortable with, and to communicate how you’re currently feeling, try these statements –

We're cautiously optimistic.

We're trying to keep it pretty low-key.

We're just taking it one day at a time

But most importantly, remember that this is YOUR pregnancy.  Don’t feel pressured by the SHOULD’s, or be afraid of disappointing others.  This is a tough journey you’re walking through right now, and announcing your pregnancy to the world does not have to make it harder.

You get to do what feels comfortable for you.  And if, like me, that means you never do a formal announcement, that’s ok too.

If you’d like some extra encouragement on your journey through pregnancy after infertility or loss, you can join us inside Your Pregnancy Haven.  Because courage is contagious.  And seeing strength in others can inspire us.  And that is what you will find inside our community.  Connection, support and the answers to the questions that are keeping you up at night.

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