5 ways to feel more connected to your baby

Not being able to connect with our baby is something that causes us a lot of anxiety during our pregnancy. We see images of women cradling their baby bump in such loving ways.  We hear stories of the connection between mother and child and the magical pull toward them, before they are even born.

And when we don’t feel it, we feel like there is something wrong with us.  Our mind jumps to the worst-case scenario.  And we create a story around it. What does this mean? Is there a reason for this? Which feeds our already high levels of anxiety.

I receive emails and messages all the time from women trying to feel (or not feel) a certain way during their pregnancy.  It’s a constant struggle.  We worry about not being positive or grateful enough. And we stress about being stressed.

So, when I received this message, I knew I had to respond.  Because this was one of my greatest fears during our pregnancies too.

“Hi Jen, I don’t feel connected to my baby. This is my 4th pregnancy after 3 losses, and it’s like my mind is blocking it. What should I do?”

There is a very good reason for feeling like you can’t connect to your baby. For some of us, just using the word “baby” is triggering.  When you have been through loss and trauma, it is normal for it to have an impact on your pregnancy and the way you feel about it.  Pregnancy after loss is complicated. Two lines on that pregnancy test doesn’t automatically equal a baby at the end.  It can mean pain, and loss, and grief and sadness. 

And our brain connects the dots.  If a pregnancy resulted in a loss previously (and it doesn’t even have to be your most recent pregnancy), our brain feels the need to protect us.  So, it shuts down.  It stops you from feeling hopeful.  It prevents you from opening your heart, at the risk of it being broken again.

This is a defense mechanism, which, while very thoughtful of your brain, can cause additional fears.

So, I’m here to tell you, that while it would be nice to feel that connection and to fully embrace your baby, there is nothing wrong with you because you can’t. This is pregnancy after infertility and loss. 

And I can also tell you from my own personal experience, that it will not have a consequence when your baby arrives.  Because I too did not feel a connection with my babies before they were born.

Our first child, Luca, was born via a surrogate, so connection wasn’t even a possibility.

When we were knee deep in surrogacy agreements and planning for egg retrievals and transfers, I went to a bachelorette party for one of my girlfriends.  I was having a conversation with her sister, who didn’t know of our fertility struggles, and she told me the importance of bonding with your baby during pregnancy.  I was devastated.  This woman was telling me that it was really important that you connect with your baby, and I was about to hand this task over to someone else. 

And because of that, when we finally got pregnant, it was a huge fear of mine. While I was grateful that we were pregnant, I was also grieving the fact that I wouldn’t have that bond and those moments.  I was scared that my baby would be born and not know my voice, and that it would mean something.  That perhaps I wouldn’t be able to comfort him when he cried. I was terrified that I wouldn’t feel an instant connection of love toward him, and that he wouldn’t love me back.

But as soon as he was handed to me, he was mine, and I was his.

If you are worried about there being a consequence because you can’t connect to your baby, I can tell you with absolute certainty (based on my experience of course), that it won’t matter. Despite what people tell you. Ignore all the insensitive shit people tell you.

Your ability to connect while your baby is growing inside you, has no impact on your ability to love and care for them when they are placed in your arms.

Now that we’ve moved the fear and the guilt attached to this to the side, you still long for that connection and want to be able to open your heart a little more, don’t you?  Well, I’ve got you covered there too. 

I’ve developed 5 exercises you can do to create some small moments of connection between you and your baby. 

If they work, do them. Some of them may make you feel a little uncomfortable.  This is like dipping your toe into the water of hope and possibility.  It’s like a muscle that you need to strengthen. The more you do it, the easier it will be. But please don’t put additional pressure or stress on yourself if you find them triggering.  Be gentle with yourself.

Here are 5 ways to feel connected to your baby while pregnant after infertility or loss.

  1. Find a quiet place to sit and place your hands on your belly. Take a few deep breaths and when you inhale, feel the air expand into your belly.  Watch your hands rise and fall with each inhale and exhale.  Feel your belly rise and fall.  If your thoughts start wandering toward the negatives, gently nudge them back to where you are right now.  And right now, you are safe, and your baby is in your belly.

  2. Find a book to read.  It could be a children’s book, or even a book that you are currently reading, if that feels more comfortable for you.  Instead of reading the book quietly in your head, read the book aloud.  Read your baby a story.  Let them get familiar with your voice.  Be conscious of the fact that they are listening to you.

  3. Talk to your baby.  This is an extension of point 2 – however we are going from dipping our toe into the water of possibility, to sliding up to our knees.  Have a conversation with your baby.  It may feel a little silly at first.  You could start by saying hello, and introducing yourself.  Then let your conversation go wherever you’d like it to go.

  4. Create a (nice) mental movie for yourself.  Our mind usually goes to the worst-case scenario, doesn’t it?  You can clearly picture bad news (because you’ve heard it before), and its easier to go down that path.  But we are going to create a better movie – one with a happy ending. Close your eyes and take a few calming breaths.  Imagine what it would be like if you were in a movie where the lead actress is pregnant.  Her belly is growing and she feels such tenderness toward her baby. There are moments in the film that are very touching.  Imagine that you are that actress and you are picturing yourself in that moment. This is a great way to flip the switch.  If you’re able to create a horror film, you’re able to create a romance movie too.  I know which one I’d prefer to watch!

  5. Grab a notepad and start documenting your pregnancy.  It could be merely facts at first – how far along you are, what you’re feeling physically.  Gradually, you can share more.  When you feel a little more comfortable, start writing messages to your baby.  What are your hopes and dreams for them?  What do you want them to know?

If you’re struggling to find that connection and would like to try these exercises, that’s awesome. But make sure you’re doing them for the right reasons.

If you’re worried about what this all means for you and your baby, you can stop struggling.  It means nothing, there is no consequence, and you will still love and connect with your baby when they arrive. 

If you’re worried that there is something wrong with you because you can’t connect, you can stop this too.  This is pregnancy after loss and infertility, and this is your brains way of trying to protect you.  You are definitely not alone.

But if you would like to open your heart to the possibility and connect because you crave that feeling, then THIS is the reason for doing them.

Get clear on WHY you’re doing it.  If it’s because you’re leaning toward fear, you don’t have to.  But if you’d like to lean toward love, go for it! 

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