How do you stop being triggered by other people’s pregnancy loss stories?

We find so much comfort in knowing that we’re not alone.  When we’re going through pregnancy loss or infertility, there is a beautiful community who understands.  So, we join that community, we read stories of other people’s losses, we connect, and we get a whole lot of validation.  We learn that it’s more common than we thought, and while we wouldn’t wish this on anyone else, it helps to know that it’s not just us.  That we aren’t the only ones who are being punished. 

It helps a lot. Because infertility and pregnancy loss make you feel isolated.  And hearing other people’s stories, gives us a sense of connection and hope, which is essential on this journey.

But then you get pregnant, and that shifts.  The statistic that 1 in 4 pregnancies results in a miscarriage, no longer helps us feel comfort and validation, it terrifies us.  We don’t want to hear stories of loss.  The problem is however, we’ve formed a habit of reading the comments in our Facebook community of loss, or diving into people’s stories on Instagram, or referring to google. So it’s hard to stop.

When we get pregnant, we go through a transition. Our needs change and what gives us comfort changes too.  It’s a hard adjustment, but necessary to keep our anxiety in check.

So, how exactly do you make the transition from struggling to get pregnant, or grieving a pregnancy loss, to being pregnant?  How do you all of a sudden, shut out the noise of loss and infertility? How do you stay connected with others and gain strength from knowing that you’re not alone, but not take on their story as your own?

Here are a few things that may help you, so you can stop being triggered by other people’s stories.

1. Acknowledge that you have moved from trying to conceive, or grieving a loss, to currently being pregnant. And this isn’t saying that you are no longer grieving a loss, because this is part of your story, and the pain doesn’t just magically go away (as much as we thought it would).  However, let’s change the focus. If it helps, you can visualize the finish line from your previous race.  Perhaps it was a marathon, or maybe it was a sprint.  Either way, acknowledging that you have finished that event, and are starting a new one can help.  You have trained for this event. You know you can do it.  So, you can use your experience to help you through.  But remember that this is a new race.  There is nothing in your way, and you get to start fresh, knowing that you’ve done the work to get here.
   

2. Clean up your social media. It helps to change your focus here too.  Unfollow your infertility or pregnancy loss accounts on Instagram or mute them.  You can also mute any groups you’re in on Facebook too.  There may be an element of guilt here, because you know personally how hard it is seeing other people graduate, but you need to put your own mental health first – especially now.  Replace them with accounts that inspire you and fill you full of hope. You may not feel comfortable following normal pregnancy accounts, because there can still be a lot of triggers, so if you like, start following accounts that are specifically for pregnancy after loss or infertility i.e. @yourpregnancyhaven. 
   

3. Find your people.  Pregnancy after infertility or loss is different from a normal pregnancy. It really is.  You have taken a different path to get here. We are still triggered by pregnancy announcements, we crave the carefree pregnancy filled with hope and excitement, and we’re jealous and angry and anxious all the time.  A lot of people don’t understand this.  So, they say well meaning, yet insensitive comments telling you to “just be grateful”.  They dismiss our anxiety and overwhelm us with their excitement, which leads to guilt.  One of the best ways to get through pregnancy after loss is with community.  This is exactly why I created Your Pregnancy Haven.  Because although our stories are different, the underlying emotions are similar.  You don’t have to filter the insensitive comments – you feel completely validated.  You no longer feel crazy.  You feel normal.  You get a sense of belonging, where people put their hand up and say “me too!” And that gives us comfort and strength.
   

4. Separating your story from other people’s and still finding connection is a balancing act.  Occasionally there will be someone who suffers a loss in your pregnancy after loss community.  And it can trigger that fear again.  Because we think, if it happened to them, it could happen to me.  But the thing is, you already know that loss is a possibility – you may already be part of the statistic and have experienced it personally.  So, this is where the separation comes in.  Remember that we are all travelling different paths.  Detach yourself from other people’s stories and experiences.  Remind yourself – this is not my story.
   

5. If you’ve gone through a previous loss, remind yourself that your current pregnancy is different from your previous one (regardless of how similar it feels). Take it a step further and name all the ways they are different i.e. different egg, different sperm, different embryo, different cells in your body, different pregnancy.  You can repeat to yourself – This is a new pregnancy with a different baby. This is a new experience with a different outcome. I am not reliving a past chapter, I am creating a new story.
   

6. You can do this exercise when triggered by other people’s stories and experiences too.  And in this case, there are even more differences. Think about or write down all the ways your pregnancy is different from other people’s (including the answers in 5 above) i.e. you are different ages, different body, different genetics, different fertility path to get where you are, different medical history, different medical team, different conception – the list is endless. You can repeat to yourself – We all have our own path and our own story. I have my own unique experience and journey.
   

7. If you find comfort from data and statistics, you can lean toward this. But once again, this is a balancing act. You can claim it, or distance yourself from it. If a particular statistic gives you comfort – sweet!  If it doesn’t, remind yourself that statistics measure the average of a lot of people. And people vary.  Just because a statistic is true about a range of people, it doesn’t mean it’s true about you. The human body is truly miraculous and there will always be anomalies. You also need to come back to point 6, and realize that we are all different. 

In order to feel connected to other people’s experiences, yet stay in your own lane at the same time, you need to able to pivot.  You don’t have to be consistent in your approach to all things.

If the statistic, or someone’s story gives you comfort - use it, if it doesn’t - don’t use it.  And this is going to change with every question that comes up in your pregnancy.  Use whatever helps you in the moment.

It’s a balancing act, for sure. Unfortunately, very few things in your pregnancy are certain. But if you’d like to find some peace, it’s about leaning into the data, the story, or the mindset shift that gives you relief in that moment. You get to choose what you believe.

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