How to show yourself some grace when you’re pregnant after infertility or loss.
We’re so tough on ourselves, aren’t we? We are pregnant. Which is hard at the best of times. But in this space, we are not just pregnant, we are pregnant after infertility or loss. It’s different. It’s much harder.
You are dealing with anxiety, and guilt and fear, just to name a few emotions. You are re-living trauma. And if you’re not telling the outside world about these things, you’re internalising it. You’re pushing it down. And if you are telling other people you’re pregnant, they don’t understand, and are telling you to “just be grateful and positive”. So, now you’re faking it. Which is so freaking exhausting!
You’re feeling confused about the mixed emotions, the mood swings brought on by hormones (both internal and the ones you may still be pumping into your body). And your body is growing another human inside it.
Yet despite this, we still expect life to go on as normal. We don’t slow down. And if we do, we feel guilty for not keeping up with our fast-paced life. The expectations we set for ourselves are impossible at the best of times. But here you are, pregnant after infertility or loss, and expecting so much more.
How do you show yourself a little grace in this super hard time? How do you drop the guilt and start treating yourself with a little compassion?
Here are some things I think you should know.
Being pregnant after infertility or loss is not like a normal pregnancy. You have been through loss, and trauma as a result. This changes everything. As much as it hurts to admit, it helps to acknowledge that your pregnancy will be different. You may not be able to feel complete joy, hope, or excitement. And while it really sucks, it’s normal given the path you have been down. So, toss aside the picture you had in your head of the perfect pregnancy, and lower the expectations you have of yourself. Because this is pregnancy after infertility or loss, so it may be messy, and that’s ok. You are entitled to be a hot mess express right now. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.
This path is filled with so much fear and anxiety it can be paralyzing at times. You may even start to feel a little crazy. There is no need to punish yourself. You have faced the worst-case scenario. You are no longer oblivious to the fact that loss occurs. You know that a positive pregnancy test doesn’t automatically equal a baby. And you can no longer comfort yourself that bad things happen to other people, because it happened to you too. Fear is your brains way of trying to protect you. Because you’ve been hurt before. It’s warning you that there could be danger ahead. And there is nothing wrong with that. So, when you start to feel silly for being scared, know that it is ok to be scared. It is normal, and instead of punishing yourself, give yourself credit for sitting with the uncomfortable emotions.
One of the surprising emotions on this journey may be the jealousy you still feel toward other pregnant women. You may be triggered by pregnancy announcements still as well. It’s completely normal and very common. Just because you are now pregnant, does not erase all the times you feared a pregnancy announcement, or felt envy about another woman’s baby bump. You envy them because you want to feel the joy and excitement they do. You want to get that far ahead. And you wish you could announce your pregnancy without feeling paralyzed with fear. It’s ok to be jealous. So next time you’re triggered, remind yourself that it isn’t because you’re a horrible person, or because there is something wrong with you. It’s because you wish it was easier for you, and that’s completely understandable.
It’s common in pregnancy after infertility or loss, to feel disconnected from your baby. And there is a very good reason for feeling like you can’t connect with your baby. For some of us, just using the word “baby” or uttering the words “I am pregnant” can be triggering. This is a result of the loss and trauma, and it’s our body’s internal protection mechanism. It prevents you from opening your heart, at the risk of it being broken again. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. And your ability to connect while your baby is growing inside you, has no impact on your ability to love and care for them when they are placed in your arms. So, drop the guilt and the fear, and if you’d like some tips on how you can form that connection, you can read a separate blog I wrote on that HERE.
Ultrasound appointments can be a huge source of relief and anxiety, at the same time. For a lot of us, this is the time when we heard those words “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.” It brings back the memories and the trauma. It’s not because there is something wrong with you. So, when you start to feel silly for being anxious at your ultrasound appointments, congratulate yourself for showing up.
Morning sickness is complicated. You worry about what you’re eating, and feel guilty for not getting enough nutrients because you just can’t stomach anything. You don’t want to feel sick. But when you start to feel better, and the symptoms go away, you want them back. It can sometimes feel like there is no pleasing you! If you’re feeling confused and guilty about your symptoms, you can stop. You’re not alone. You are craving some sort of confirmation, but none of us want to feel sick. And you’re doing the best you can in a really hard phase of your pregnancy.
If you’re feeling guilty because you’re not being productive and getting enough done, this is for you. Your work, which may have been a source of purpose or enjoyment, no longer has the same appeal. You lack motivation, and start to feel guilty for just going through the motions without any level of enthusiasm. The reason you feel like this is because work is no longer the priority. Your priorities have changed. You’re also experiencing a LOT of hormones which is affecting your energy……because you are growing another human inside you. It’s ok if work isn’t your main priority now. Actually, that’s a good thing – because it isn’t supposed to be your main priority. You are!
Following on from the point above, if you’re feeling guilty because your house is a mess, you can stop that too. You have a more important job right now. And here’s the kicker - even when you are sitting on the couch or lying in bed, you are still being productive. Yes, your body is working harder than it ever has before. Because you are creating another life. So come to terms with your house being untidy for the next 9 months, or ask for help. Because we were never meant to do this alone.
What you are going through right now is hard. You aren’t just pregnant (which shouldn’t actually be referred to as “just” pregnant, because that’s hard too). You are pregnant after infertility or loss, which is exhausting in itself. There is “pregnancy tired” and then there is “pregnancy after infertility or loss tired”.
When you start to feel guilty, or lazy, or crazy. Show yourself some compassion for the hard space you are living in right now. Lower your expectations. Remind yourself of all the things you are dealing with right now. And even if some days, all you do is get out of bed, congratulate yourself for getting one day closer to your baby.
You’re doing great xx
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