After loss, “How many children do you have?” becomes a loaded question.

How many children do you have? 

It’s a seemingly innocent question, isn’t it?  But when you’ve experienced pregnancy loss, miscarriage or still-birth, it’s a little more complicated.  This one small question can leave our minds spinning.

And then when you’re pregnant after loss, and someone asks – is this your first baby?  What do you say?  It’s like a stab in the heart sometimes, and it can evoke so many emotions.  These are certainly loaded questions.  

Firstly, we need to give a little grace to the person asking the question, and be grateful they don’t know any better.  Unless you’ve experienced loss, it’s not on your radar – and we would never wish this feeling on anyone.  I’m sure I used to ask this question before I’d experienced a loss too.  And while it’s very personal, it doesn’t help to direct your anger toward the person asking.  This doesn’t mean you can’t educate them however.

I find in these cases it’s better to have an answer prepared, or a couple of answers to choose from, depending on who is asking the question, how you’re feeling, and where you are. That way, it’s an automatic response.  When we have to respond on the fly, we can tend to get flustered and say something we don’t want.  And then we spend the next hour thinking about how we could have responded better.  So, let’s save ourselves a little time and regret.

The first thing I’d like to talk about when it comes to this question, is boundaries.  It’s something that gets mentioned a lot, but what in the heck are they, and how do you set (and keep) them in place? For me, a boundary is deciding what I am responsible for, and what I am not responsible for.  For example – I am responsible for speaking my truth in whatever form that is, however I am NOT responsible for other people’s emotions or reactions to my truth.

Which basically means that you get to choose what you share, without having to worry about how the other person feels in response.  Answering this question is not about their comfort.  It is not your responsibility to make them feel more comfortable, at the expense of yours.  You get to put your own needs first (as uncomfortable as that may seem).  Because you don’t want to say anything that makes you feel guilty, like you’re being untrue to yourself or your babies, or exposes you too much. 

Your response will also depend on your audience.  I’m assuming that if they’re asking that question, they’re someone who doesn’t know you too well.  If you’re talking with a work colleague, or a complete stranger in the grocery store, or an acquaintance at a social occasion, your answer may be different.

It also depends on how you’re feeling at that moment in time.  If you’re feeling vulnerable, you may not want to talk about it.  If you’re feeling strong, you may want to speak your truth.  The question is, do you want to talk about it right now?

The most important thing I can tell you is that you’re not alone in your confusion or angst over this question.  It’s not simple, and it comes with a whole lot of emotion. But remember that you get to choose.

If you’re feeling brave, this is a great opportunity to educate others with regard to the complexity of this simple question.  They may be less inclined to ask the next person, if your response makes them feel a little uncomfortable.  However, it is not your responsibility to educate others either.

If you do share your truth, and they respond in a way that lacks empathy or compassion, that speaks volumes about them, not you.  Try to detach yourself from their response.  Remember – you are not responsible for their reaction.  Only your truth.

If you choose NOT to share, you can also release the guilt for not acknowledging your babies.  It’s not that you are not honoring their existence.  Not everyone has earned the right to hear your story – especially complete strangers.  You don’t have to invest the time or energy explaining yourself.  You know your babies existed, regardless of whether you share it with a complete stranger.  Don’t feel pressured into sharing. You can love your babies privately too.

So, what can you say in response to how many children you have?

If you’re ready to share, here are a few responses that may fit for you –

Two in heaven, and two on earth.

Two angel babies and two rainbow babies.

I have two living children.

We’ve experienced pregnancy loss, so this is a complicated question.

Well that depends…..

Four children in my heart, two in my arms.

Or when you’re pregnant, if someone asks if this is your first baby, you can try –

No, I’ve had 2 miscarriages previously.

No, I have one angel in heaven.

We’ve experienced pregnancy loss, so this is a complicated question.

This is the first time we’ve made it this far.

There are no set rules around how you should respond.  It’s how you feel in that moment.

Above all else, allow yourself a little self-compassion and grace for how you respond.  If you cry, that’s ok.  If you get angry, that’s ok.  If you don’t tell the full truth, that’s ok too. There is no need to punish yourself, because this is a hard question to answer if you’ve been through loss.

I’m sorry you know how this feels. Sending you a whole lot of love and compassion.  You’re amazing.  

READY TO FIND PEACE IN YOUR PREGNANCY?

Start feeling the hope, excitement and joy you deserve in your pregnancy.

Receive INSTANT ACCESS to this essential guide with 5 easy tips that you can implement today.