How do you deal with people touching and commenting on your body when you’re pregnant?

We go through so much trauma and grief going through this journey.  Pregnancy after infertility and loss is hard enough, without having to carry around the baggage in terms of body image.  Without having to worry about how much weight you put on, how your body looks, and all the stigma attached to it.

Let me be clear - I am not an expert in body image, apart from the fact that I have been the victim in a war against my body for quite some time.  I’ve tried to control it, and have succumbed to the influence of diet culture too many times to count.  Which is why I asked Dr Morgan Francis, doctor of clinical psychology & licensed mental health therapist specializing in the treatment of body image, eating disorders, relationships, sexual health and grief, to come inside Your Pregnancy Haven recently.

What she told us was mind-blowing and infuriating at the same time.  We also spoke about a whole lot of other things, of which I will share a couple here.  You can watch the whole interview (including interviews with ALL the experts we’ve ever spoken to) by joining us HERE.

I’m not sure what happens when you get pregnant, but all of a sudden, your body seems to become public property.  Your body is no longer your own.  Complete strangers in the supermarket think nothing of walking up to you, and putting their hands on your stomach.  And people feel comfortable commenting on how big your stomach is.  At any other time, you would never comment, nor would you touch someone without their permission.  But the rules seem to change when you get pregnant. 

And this is especially sensitive when you’re pregnant after infertility or loss, because we sometimes go to extreme lengths to hide our pregnancies.  To deny the changes.  Or, we feel like we’re strangers in our bodies, because we’ve been at war with them for so long. So, when someone makes a seemingly innocent comment like “wow, you really look pregnant now”, or “you don’t even look pregnant”, it can push us over the edge. 

Especially when we’re sensitive about our weight and how we look, to begin with.  After years of fertility treatments or miscarriages, our body changes.  Body image is a huge topic on its own, but when it comes to pregnancy and loss – when women are at their most vulnerable, it’s even more triggering. Body image is a mental health issue.  Which is why you should never comment on the way a person looks – regardless of whether they are pregnant of not.    

How do you respond to the comments? 

This is all about setting boundaries.  These can be hard because a lot of us haven’t been taught how to set them.  As women we’ve been raised to be pleasers – in how we look, in taking care of other people, and making sure other people’s feelings aren’t hurt.  So, this is something we need to continually practice. 

Firstly, boundary statements always start with the word “I”.  Because it is our boundary, and we can’t change anyone else’s behavior - we can only protect ourselves.  If you start a sentence with YOU – the person you’re speaking with becomes defensive.  You could say something like “I prefer not to talk about my body – I prefer to talk about how I’m feeling today.” Or, “I’m not comfortable with comments about my body or belly – I’d appreciate it if we could talk about……”. Try to change the topic of conversation.  And remember, you are responsible for setting the boundary, you are not responsible for other people’s reaction to it. 

What do you do when people keep touching your belly? 

If you don’t mind them touching you, that’s fine.  But if you hate it when people touch you, you need to once again set some boundaries.  If someone is going to touch you, they need to ask for consent. Of course, there are times when it all happens so quickly, you can’t stop them touching – like in the grocery store.  And because it happens in an instant, it can leave you in a hyper-vigilant state.  

Boundaries are meant to take care of you.  They don’t have to be rude. You can communicate to people what you are uncomfortable about.  But it’s important that you remember, you have a right to protect yourself against someone who is offending you, by wanting to touch your body. Yes, they may be excited, but they also need to know what they can and can’t do.  And if you set a boundary in place, it’s actually educating them so they don’t do it to you again, or anyone else for that matter. 

You could politely say “Don’t do that please” and remove their hand from your body. If they feel uncomfortable as a result, that’s not your responsibility.  There is no need to feel guilty for setting the boundary. 

Another issue that comes up continually when we talk about our pregnancy bodies, is this idea of what is a “healthy weight” both in every day life, and especially during pregnancy?  At each scan, you get on the scales and the doctor takes your weight to determine whether you’re “healthy” or not.  It’s completely demeaning and perpetuates the messages we’ve been fed our whole lives that weight matters.  When you’re pregnant, your health and the health of your baby matters.  Not how much weight you put on.  So, let’s talk a little about where this idea comes from –

I am constantly having conversations with my clients who are under the impression that in order to be healthy, they need to be a certain weight.  A lot of this is motivated by doctors telling them they need to lose weight (which also pisses me off).  So let me tell you a little truth about the BMI (Body Mass Index) chart.  In short, it’s a load of bullshit. BMI has nothing to do with personal health. In fact, it was never supposed to be used for what it’s being used for today. It was developed by an astronomer, and it was developed for white males.  So, when they pull this out and try to push it on all of us, it doesn’t make sense.

The BMI doesn’t take into account our bone structure, our genetics, our socio-economic factors, and our changing bodies.  It doesn’t take into account anything that actually measures a person’s health. The only way we can actually determine whether a person is “healthy” is by doing a blood panel. It’s impossible to use something that is so archaic to determine whether someone is healthy or unhealthy. So, the next time you go to your doctor and they pull out a BMI chart, run a mile!!

And while we’re talking about setting the “ideal weight” regardless of whether you’re pregnant or now, lets look at WHO is setting it. Yep, the World Health Organisation (WHO).

The purpose of the WHO is to promote health, keep the world safe, and serve the vulnerable. They are also responsible for setting the bar with regard to what is considered healthy.  So how do they set these criteria? 

First, let me tell you a little story. Back in the 1990’s the WHO changed the criteria for obesity overnight.  People who went to bed in one category, were waking up the next morning, being classified as obese.  What drove this change overnight?  Apparently, the two people who were leading the WHO at that time, were also contracted by weight loss companies.  This overnight change also provided an opportunity for insurance companies to charge individuals more than they already were, and also to make more money from them by selling them weight loss drugs.  Yes, it's all about making money. Once again, we’re being manipulated.

So, what is the result of all of this?  We spend a HUGE amount of our time and energy on food guilt – agonizing over what we should and shouldn’t eat, and working out how to get rid of it. 

But we need to stop doing this.  We need to claim our power back and have food freedom, so we don’t beat ourselves up for eating something.  And we need to ensure we don’t pass this down to our children.  I’m raising a little girl right now, and I’m terrified that this struggle will also be placed on her.  We need to break the cycle and put an end to this generational trauma. 

During pregnancy we have so many weird cravings, and we feel guilty for it.  It feels like you’re out of control with what you’re putting in your mouth.  A lot of this is related to hormones.  But we’re being sent messages that we should feel guilty, and we shouldn’t.  Diet culture is dangerous.  We are all emotional eaters, especially during pregnancy after infertility or loss.

But diet culture makes us feel bad for being emotional eaters, when it’s completely normal.  Think about it - when someone passes, we eat food. For birthday’s we eat cake. At Christmas and Thanksgiving – it’s all about food and gatherings.  Food is completely emotional. 

We need to get past the guilt by giving ourselves permission to not care.  When we’re pregnant, we need to be making sure our body and our baby is getting the nourishment that it needs through our food. Of course, there are specific foods you should limit when you are pregnant due to risks of harmful bacteria, however this restriction and guilt mentality is being pushed by mandates and advice that isn’t related to our health.  

So, the next time you start to punish yourself for how you look or how much weight you’ve put on since you’ve started IVF, or since your last miscarriage, or during your pregnancy - you can stop.  Our bodies are not meant to stay the same.

You are absolutely amazing. Your body is amazing. And it’s time we all started being a little kinder to ourselves.  Protect it, and respect it. Because it is doing so many incredible things right now.

p.s. I understand this information may be a little controversial, and that there may be exceptions to what I am saying.  However, these issues need to be spoken about, and before we blindly follow advice from our doctors, we need to be aware of where it is coming from.  We need to be able to trust the source.  I hope this is the push you need to become a little more educated.  I know I’ll be doing my research now too.  A helpful book you can read on this is The Anti-diet book, by Kristy Harrison 

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