Why CONNECTION is essential during pregnancy after loss?
I’ve always been a fiercely independent person. Not only that, but I’d always been proud of this. Being able to look at something I’d accomplished and say I did it with zero help, gave me a sense of achievement. I didn’t need anyone else’s help at all. I was strong, self-made, and determined.
I’m also an introvert. While I enjoy hanging out with people, it drains my energy.
Because of that, connecting with and accepting help and support from others, has always been a little challenging for me.
But do you know what I’ve come to realize about these qualities and beliefs? It’s lonely, and it’s a little like pushing shit up hill – that is, it’s exhausting.
I never realized the importance of connection until now – it is as necessary as food and water. We are not meant to function alone – we are built to oscillate between connection and autonomy.
And it’s not just me who is saying this. There is actual research to back this up. So let me share with you a few things I have discovered recently about the importance of connection and the benefits.
To reduce your stress.
Stress has a beginning, a middle and an end. And a lot of the time, especially during pregnancy after loss, we get stuck in the middle. There are constant triggers – whether it’s spotting, cramps, or hearing of other people’s stories of loss. Your body feels like it’s under attack 24/7, which is exhausting. And for some of us, we don’t feel completely safe until our baby is in our arms, so it’s 9 months of never completing that stress cycle. If you always feel like you’re on high alert, this is why.
Something physical needs to happen, in order to make our body feel safe. And while our ultrasound scans can help with this a little, that feeling of safety doesn’t always last for very long. Another way to complete the stress cycle, is through social interaction, laughter or affection. It shows your body that the world is a safe place. When we laugh, it helps to regulate your emotions. And when we show each other affection on a physical level, it tells your body it is safe.
So, if you’d like to reduce your stress, connect with others.
To increase your strength.
Despite what I used to think, connection is good for us - it is not weakness, it doesn’t mean we’re needy. It makes us stronger. It is a source of strength.
Now let’s talk about connection between women. Sometimes it can be a little triggering when we try to compare. But there is such beauty when women come together, and support each other. Magic happens.
When we come together through effort, to achieve a shared goal, the barrier between us dissolves and we experience our own identity as something that extends beyond I or ME, and it becomes US.
In order to see the power of ME TOO, you just have to look at the movement that was created back in 2006 by Tarana Burke, and continued with the Harvey Weinstein accusation in 2017. More recently it was seen in the Obama administration where female staffers adopted a meeting strategy they called “amplification”: When a woman made a key point, other women would repeat it, giving credit to its author. This forced the men in the room to recognize the contribution — and denied them the chance to claim the idea as their own.
We are intelligent and more powerful than we know. But as a collective, we are so freaking powerful. And when we join forces, we gain strength from each other – we feel like we can conquer the world.
When people are aligned and move in sync, it is referred to as synchronized movement. It is built into our biology and is a powerful tool to access our greatest wellbeing. So, when we move together, or align ourselves through connection, it actually creates energy.
So, if you’d like to increase your strength, and energy, connect with other like-minded people.
To encourage us to be kinder to ourselves.
We would never treat other people as harshly as we treat ourselves. We would never say the things we say to ourselves to other people. But we do, right? It’s sad, but it’s a reality for a lot of us. We’ve been taught to put other people’s needs ahead of ourselves, and that anything else is being selfish.
The thing is, as women, we are nurturers and givers, and comforters, and filled with love and compassion. But that usually doesn’t extend to ourselves.
So, while we don’t need people to complete us, we do need people to teach us how to love ourselves best. When we’re hard on ourselves, it helps for others to remind us how to be kind to ourselves.
When people show us compassion, and remind us to be kinder to ourselves, it helps. When we show kindness to others, it also re-iterates what we need. As a coach, I often hear myself saying things to my clients that I need to hear myself. And even though I’m showing compassion and giving grace to them, I also get the benefit.
Not only that, but showing kindness to others has a chemical reaction. It produces oxytocin and serotonin, which increases our self-esteem and optimism, reduces our stress and anxiety, and calms us down.
So, if you’d like to start being kinder to yourself and giving yourself a little bit of grace, connect with others.
To help us process our emotions.
There are a LOT of very large, very complicated and often conflicting emotions that come up when we are pregnant after infertility or loss. And connection allows us to process all of these.
When you feel like there is something wrong with you, connection (with the right people) provides us validation that we are not crazy.
When you’re scared. Having someone say – I’m scared too, can help you feel like you’re not alone. It can also give you strength, when someone reminds you how amazing you are, and shows you a little kindness and encouragement.
When you’re sad. We are taught to push it down, aren’t we? Go to your room to cry, we get told. We even apologize for crying – like our sadness is inconveniencing others. But when we push it down, it doesn’t go away. We find our way out of the tunnel of sadness when we have someone validate our feelings. When we know there is someone there to help us through it. Because allowing ourselves to feel sad can be scary – we don’t know if we’re going to get stuck in that tunnel. Connection can help us walk through it and out the other side.
When you are angry, you’re taught to swallow it or hide it and fear it. But when we share our rage in a safe space, it changes it from something dangerous, to something safe and potentially transformative. Just by hearing someone say – you have a right to be angry, can release some of the tension out of it.
When you feel like you are not enough and are lonely – we were not built to do big things alone, and yet pregnancy after loss is one of the most isolating experiences. Having someone to connect with through this, can help lighten the load.
If you’d like help in processing the heavy emotions, you can do this by connecting with others.
Infertility, pregnancy loss, and pregnancy after loss is one of the most isolating things I have ever experienced. It’s lonely. You're still triggered by pregnancy announcements. You're more fearful than excited. And because no one understands, you think there is something wrong with you. But there isn't. And while those in your immediate circle may not be able to understand (including your partner), it doesn't mean you're alone.
I cannot stress enough, the importance of connecting with others. It’s a basic human need. Especially now. I get asked all the time – how do I reduce my stress, how do I feel calmer and at peace, how do I start being kinder to myself, how do I get through the scary 9 month wait? The answer is simple. You get through it by connecting with others.
Of course, there is a caveat for this. You need to connect with the right people. Because pregnancy after loss or infertility is a unique experience, very few people can provide the support you need in this moment. At such a vulnerable time, you still want to feel safe, and protected from the insensitive comments, questions and reactions.
There are SO many women who are going through the same thing as you right now. You just have to find them. And then you have to connect with them.
So how do you do that without randomly messaging people and feeling like a stalker?
We've done ALL the work for you. Inside Your Pregnancy Haven you will find women who have walked the path you have. Who experience the fear and anxiety. And who now feel completely validated, because they have connected with like-minded women.
In that we find strength and power. We find courage and bravery. And relief.
Here are a few of the comments our members have said about our community.
"Racked with anxiety I could not have made it through his pregnancy, as far as I have, in one mental piece without this wonderful group of women." Heather.
“Pregnancy after loss felt like a lonely, isolating journey until I found this group.” Emily
“Not all of my friends have experienced what we all have. I seriously would have lost it before my 8-week appointment without this group.”
“I am forever grateful to Jen and the women I feel I can call sisters now in Your Pregnancy Haven. Pregnancy after loss is extremely challenging and complicated but I’m so glad I found new friends who just get it. All of it.” Jess.
“Finding Your Pregnancy Haven has brought me some peace on this very challenging and emotional journey. The women in this group help me laugh, cry and learn about how to support my wide range of emotions that come with pregnancy after loss. I’m so grateful for this group.” Shana.
You can join us inside Your Pregnancy Haven and receive all the strength, peace and encouragement today by heading HERE.
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