How do you slow down and find joy in your pregnancy?
We all have that picture in our head of how pregnancy is supposed to look.
You scream out in joy when you see those two lines appear on your pregnancy test (you only took one, and it only took a couple of months to see a positive result of course). Then you tell your partner and excitedly call your immediate family to tell them the exciting news. You’re excited for your first ultrasound appointment and record the heartbeat on your phone. You create a cute little announcement and post it on social media. Next comes the gender reveal in front of your friends and family and you dive into decorating the nursery. Each scan is met with excitement and you and your partner pick out baby names. You have your baby shower, get your pregnancy photo shoot, and are ready, waiting in anticipation as the big day comes closer. Then your baby arrives, safe and sound, you and all live happily ever after.
That is one path. That is pregnancy when you don’t struggle with infertility or have never experienced loss. Ok, that may not be totally accurate, however that is the picture I had in my head of how it would look. I didn’t get to experience that path.
There is of course another path through pregnancy. It’s the one following infertility, IVF, or loss. It looks very different. It’s filled with tears, fear and anxiety.
And if you’re reading this, I’m assuming you are travelling down path #2.
So here are some things that may help you out, so you can reduce the overwhelming emotions you’re going through right now.
First of all, it’s important that we acknowledge that your pregnancy is not going to look like a “normal” pregnancy, or at least like the picture you had in your head. And while it certainly does suck, and I’m so sorry you don’t get the dream scenario, it is what it is. (Oh, and if you’re thinking you did something to deserve this, you didn’t - you’re amazing.)
Your path to get here has been different. Therefore, your path to motherhood will be different too. Expecting to feel unbridled excitement and joy can actually be setting yourself up for failure. Remove that picture in your head of how things “should” be, try to make peace that this is going to be different, and lower your expectations of yourself. We put so much pressure on ourselves to feel what we perceive as normal, however what you are feeling right now is completely normal for the path you went down to get here. There is nothing wrong with you.
So, the next time you find yourself struggling to find hope and excitement and peace, and punishing yourself because you’re failing at it, remind yourself that this is tough. Give yourself permission NOT to feel all those things, because the more you try to feel these things, the further away they will feel. And you’ll end up punishing yourself in the process. There is no need to do that. Acceptance is the first step to finding a little peace.
Now if you already suffer from anxiety and stress, which a lot of us do (infertility and loss will do that to you), the thought of 9 months feeling like this can amplify your overwhelm and overthinking to an excruciating level. It can start that tailspin and feel all consuming. It’s no longer the two week wait, it’s the equivalent of going through the two week wait twenty times!!! So if that is scaring the shit out of you and keeping you up at night, let’s break it down.
Rather than focusing on the whole journey, set some smaller milestones. When you start a marathon (which this feels very similar to), you don’t focus on the finish line, you aim for the first mile marker, and then the next, and then the next. You can do the same with your pregnancy. Set a target of 10 weeks, then 12 weeks, then 14, then 16 etc. And the goal is to reach them. It’s not to feel safe after them. It’s not to feel joy after them. Because sometimes those targets are unattainable. But the goal could be to feel a little safer than you did yesterday. It could be to feel a moment of joy, rather than pure joy.
So how do you breathe and slow down? First of all, you can’t breathe when you’re holding your breath, just waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Also, you can’t take a breath when you’re running so hard. Of course your exhausted! Apart from the fact that you’re growing another human inside you (which is huge), the path you went down left you with nothing in your tank for this next race. So basically you’re running on fumes, and when we’re running on fumes, nothing works.
I’m giving you permission to take your foot off the gas pedal. I’m not saying stop, because that’s not possible. But let’s take it down a gear.
Because when you slow down, so do the crippling thoughts. There is less overthinking and your brain is less likely to always jump to the worst case scenario. When you are rested, you are more logical and practical.
Now, how on earth do you switch down a gear when you’ve been running at high speed for so long and when you have a busy life? It's so easy for someone to say - just go on a holiday. Unfortunately however, you live in the real world where, if you don't do it, it doesn't get done. And you have bills to pay, mouths to feed, taxes to lodge, a house to look after, a job to go to, people to please……and a baby to grow.
So, here are some suggestions -
Remove things from your to-do list that aren't essential (they are definitely there - I promise)
Block out time in your diary for breaks (your to-do list will be there tomorrow, and you will never get everything ticked off, so stop trying)
Leave earlier for appointments so you're not rushing
Walk slower
Take deeper breaths
Listen to calming music
Use essential oils
Go out into nature and listen to the birds, the trees or the ocean
Get help - a cleaner, order your groceries online, a book-keeper, a nanny, delegate jobs to your partner
And learn to say NO (without guilt) more than you say yes.
And most of all, remind yourself that you are worthy of rest.
Now that you’ve slowed down, how do you find moments of joy in your pregnancy, when your head is screaming at you to stop getting your hopes up?
Well, that’s where Your Pregnancy Haven comes in. Our community is filled with women who are also brave and are leaning a little further into their pregnancy. And they are finding the joy, because they have let go of the impossibly high expectations of themselves and are finding a little peace.
One of our members recently said “I’ve been in this group for about 3 days now and I feel like a weight is off me. It’s so nice being able to share with others and be there for others. These women are so strong and so sweet.”
You deserve support too. Join us inside, by clicking HERE.
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