Handling the conflicting emotions of pregnancy after infertility or loss.

Pregnancy after infertility or loss feels complicated.  The main reason is because there are so many big emotions.  If you’ve experienced a pregnancy loss or miscarriage, you are basically re-walking a path of grief and loss.  Every milestone is a reminder.

The emotions you are currently experiencing are HUGE at the best of times, but because you are pregnant, there are so many other natural hormones surging through your body right now.  And it amplifies everything. 

And then there are the conflicting emotions, which is what I’d like to talk to you about. 

We feel so torn apart during pregnancy after infertility or loss, because a lot of the emotions that are coming up, or the thoughts that we are having, are at opposite sides of the coin.

For example – when you first see those two lines on your pregnancy test, or receive the call from your fertility specialist confirming that you’re pregnant, you may feel excitement.  Then you may also be flooded by a surge of dread.  And when that happens, your brain gets a little confused. 

It’s like you have two voices in your head.  One is saying – this is amazing, this is exactly what we were hoping for!  And the other is saying – don’t get too excited, you know what happened last time. 

And this is just the beginning!!  The conflicting emotions, and the constant tug of war with your thoughts, can continue for nine-long-months.

One of the things that has really helped me, and that I know helps those I work with, is the concept of AND.  We are all under the misguided assumption that we need to know which camp we sit in.  You’re either positive, or you’re negative.  You’re either happy, or you’re sad.  So, you can imagine the conflict I felt when our first pregnancy was via a surrogate.

Surrogacy is the MOST confusing journey.  You’re excited that you’re pregnant, but you’re grieving all the kicks you don’t get to feel.  You’re grateful that you have found someone to carry your baby, but you’re jealous that they get to take photos of their (or your) baby bump. 

If only I had known back then, that I could be both at the same time, I don’t think I would have punished myself as much. There would have been less struggling, if I had known that it wasn’t a matter of being excited OR grieving.  It was being excited AND grieving. 

So I’d like to share this one simple concept with you.

It’s not one or the other – it’s both.  And we need to make space inside us, to handle both at the same time.

Let me demonstrate -

You can feel excited that you’re pregnant AND you can be scared that this might not end well.

You can feel hopeful that you’ll hold your baby in your arms AND you can feel completely unsettled in the lead up to each ultrasound appointment.

You can say – I want this pregnancy to be at the end already AND I want to hold onto this moment and don’t want it to end.

You can say - I hate pregnancy symptoms and the feeling of being pregnant AND I’m so grateful I’m pregnant.

One doesn’t have to cancel out the other. It is essential that we hold space for both, rather than fighting to be at one side of the spectrum (with the other side pulling you back). Let’s drop the rope, and stop playing tug-of-war.

If you’re feeling a little uncomfortable voicing the “negative” or fear-based statement, I understand. One of the things with pregnancy after infertility or loss, is that we become very superstitious.  Because there are no answers for a lot of us i.e. why did my last pregnancy end in miscarriage, or why did it take so long for me to get pregnant, we feel like we’re walking on eggshells.  And because so many people tell us to just be positive, we feel that our thoughts could cause this pregnancy to end.  We don’t want to jinx it.

While I believe we can attract our reality to a degree, I also don’t believe that our thoughts can cause a miscarriage (see – we can hold space for both!!) And just to confirm, a quick google search of possible causes for miscarriage (as I’m sure you’ve done yourself), does not include negative thoughts. 

BUT, because we’re grasping at straws here, we take the high road, and we push down those “negative fear based” thoughts and emotions.  We lean toward the “just be positive” side, not realizing that those other emotions are still there.  And that’s why we feel so unsettled most of the time.

So how can you feel safe to share all the mixture of emotions that are coming up?  How can you feel comfortable changing your inner dialogue to AND?

We list all the things we don’t like AND all the things we do like at the same time.  Here’s a little exercise you can do.  Grab your journal, and on the left-hand page, write down all the things you don’t like about pregnancy so far – the symptoms, the emotions, the restrictions.  And on the right-hand side, write down all the things you do like. 

This exercise allows you to express your true feelings, without feeling guilty for saying only the “bad” stuff.  Because we are counteracting it with the positives too.

Another common conflict we feel is being joyful, despite a previous loss.  To get excited about this baby, when our previous one didn’t end up in our arms. This can add to the resistance and a lot of guilt. As one of our members inside Your Pregnancy Haven described it –

“I feel like my current pregnancy and my loss have a symbiotic relationship. Pregnancy after loss means celebrating what is going right this time and grieving what didn't last time simultaneously. It's so hard some days. “

It can also feel hard when people congratulate you, and are happy for your current pregnancy, without acknowledging the trauma and heartbreak you went through.  Because the loss is a part of you.

This is another example of how we can be both.  Being happy for this pregnancy, doesn’t mean you have forgotten the path to get here, and all you have lost along the way.  You are not pregnant to replace something you lost.  When we move forward, it can feel like you are getting further away from the babies who didn’t make it.  But you can bring them with you too.  I had a tattoo done recently to remind me of all my babies.  Other people plant a tree, or wear a necklace.  You can still honor your losses, and hold them close to your heart.  It’s not one or the other.  It’s both. 

So the next time you start to feel conflicted.

Remember – pregnancy after infertility or loss is complicated.  It’s not a matter of OR, it’s a matter of AND. And we can hold space for both.

If you’d like more of these reminders with people who understand what it’s like to feel all the complicated emotions. 

If you’re after some validation and relief that’s it’s not just you – and you are not crazy or a bad person. 

Make sure you join us inside Your Pregnancy Haven HERE.

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