Will the anxiety of pregnancy after infertility or loss ever go away?
We just want to be happy and hopeful. We want to feel connection and excitement. But for a lot of us (more than you think, actually), seeing those two lines on a pregnancy test can bring us more anxiety, than relief. All of a sudden, we have further to fall. And because pregnancy is promoted as such a joyous time, we feel like we’re doing it wrong, and that there is something wrong with us. But there is nothing wrong with you.
Pregnancy after infertility or loss can be filled with anxiety and fear. You’ve been on the other side of the statistic, you’ve lived through loss and trauma, and you’re scared it will happen again.
While it’s not pleasant, unfortunately, it is a part of this journey.
One of the things that we struggle with the most, are the somewhat unreasonable expectations we set for ourselves.
We set expectations to give us comfort initially. When we’re feeling anxious, we say to ourselves……I’ll feel better when I get to the first scan and hear the heartbeat. Then when that doesn’t happen, we make another deal with ourselves and say I’ll feel better when we get past 12 weeks and enter the “safety zone”. We’re disappointed when that feeling of anxiety doesn’t lift. So we tell ourselves I’ll feel better when the genetic screening comes back ok……..then the anatomy scan…….then when we reach viability.
While we’re just trying to protect ourselves and give ourselves comfort with this way of bargaining (which is one of the steps in the grief cycle by the way), it can sometimes result in us feeling even more stressed out or feeling like there is something wrong with us.
We see other pregnant women having such a lovely time, announcing their pregnancy, having gender reveals and baby showers, and doing up the nursery. And we compare it to our journey. We tell ourselves; I should be able to do that too. But the thought makes us feel sick.
So, we punish ourselves. We struggle. And we push it all down.
But you don’t have to do any of that.
How do you release the struggle and set more reasonable expectations for yourself during pregnancy after infertility or loss?
Here are a few tips.
Set reasonable expectations for your pregnancy.
The simple truth is that you have no idea how you’re going to feel at the next “milestone” in your pregnancy. So, aiming to feel safe in your pregnancy, or even excited, may only be setting yourself up for failure. Adjusting the expectations can help. Instead of aiming to feel completely safe in your pregnancy, perhaps aim to feel a little safer than you did at your last scan. Instead of aiming to feel hope and excitement, perhaps try to find moments of excitement, no matter how fleeting they are. Instead of pushing yourself to announce your pregnancy on social media, perhaps message a couple of your closest friends instead. Because the more pressure we put on ourselves, the harder this is. I have women who join Your Pregnancy Haven who are half way through their pregnancy. They thought they’d feel safe by now, but they don’t. And when they join, they find the relief they have been searching for. They surrender and accept that this is normal, which brings me to………
Acceptance that this is pregnancy after infertility or loss……and this is motherhood.
I have nothing to compare this to, as I only know how pregnancy after infertility and loss feels. But I truly believe that Pregnancy after infertility or loss is a breeding ground for anxiety and fear. It is a different path. It is unique. Once you know that two lines on a pregnancy test doesn’t guarantee a baby in your arms in the end, it changes the game. You can’t unknow it. The milestones aren’t tick boxes for you, they become hurdles to jump over. This is how it is. And we can fight against it, and beat ourselves up about it, or we can accept that this may be a little harder.
After living through 7 years of fertility struggles including IVF, surrogacy, pregnancy losses and pregnancy after loss, I thought the fear would go away when I finally held my babies in my arms. But it didn’t. Because fear is also a part of motherhood. There are nights when I look at Luca and Sophie sleeping soundly at night, and feel the fear creep up. What if something bad happens to them? How can I protect them?
And I’m not alone in this either. I watched an interview by Ryan Reynolds recently talking about how fatherhood has changed him. Before children, he said that he loved his wife, Blake Lively, more than anything and he would take a bullet for her. But as soon as he looked into his baby’s eyes when it was born, everything changed, and he would use his wife as a human shield to protect that baby.
My point is that the fear is always going to be there. Because when you are a mother (and that includes from the moment you start to try), you love your baby so fiercely, that you are scared of something happening to them. Fear and unease are parts of motherhood. It is normal. And this is the price of love.
So what can we do to prevent the fear from taking over?
Preparation.
While it is important to accept that fear is a part of motherhood, there are things we can do to help you be better prepared to handle all of the big, complicated feelings and anxiety spirals as they pop up. So you don’t live inside the fear and let it take over.Support and communication is key when you’re going through this. It helps to feel validated in what you are going through. It helps to talk about it with those who understand. And this is why I created our community inside Your Pregnancy Haven.
Each week you learn tools and techniques to get through the hard days. You can read more on how you can become a member HERE.
You can also check out a previous blog I wrote, with 5 ways to reduce your anxiety HERE.
Change your perspective.
When you find out you’re pregnant, you look ahead and think “how am I ever going to get through the next 9 months?”. The days seem to drag. And we tell ourselves, when I get to the next scan, I’ll feel better. We live for the next milestone, and the next, and the next. As described by Dan Sullivan in The Gap and the Gain, this way of thinking is living in the gap. We measure our progress on how far we have to go, not on how far we’ve travelled.
Let’s say you’re at 20 weeks. You look forward and see another 20 weeks to go. You look at how anxious you still are, and you feel disheartened. But if you look back and remember how you felt when you first saw that positive pregnancy test, or how you were before your first scan, the terror is probably a lot less now. Yes, there is still fear, but it may not be as intense. And when you look back, you see all the things that were hard, that you survived.
In order to get through the tough times, look back and use what you have endured as motivation. Celebrate all the things you have gotten through (even if it’s been a complete sh*t show). You still did it. Be proud of your accomplishments. And getting through each day of pregnancy after infertility or loss is certainly something you should be congratulated on. Because this is tough.
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