Processing the complicated emotions of pregnancy after infertility or loss.
Ok where do I even start with this one?
The emotions we face on this journey, whether you’ve spent years trying to get pregnant, or if you’ve struggled to stay pregnant …..are HUGE!! I don’t think anything can ever prepare you for the enormity of it all. What we experience is trauma, upon trauma, upon trauma. And with that comes an emotional rollercoaster including the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows.
Yet as soon as we get pregnant, we expect all of that to wash away. We want to feel excitement, hope, and enjoy every moment of our pregnancy. Unfortunately, the hard reality is that the tough emotions keep on coming. And now they have the added emphasis of pregnancy hormones, exhaustion, and the fact that you are on hyper-alert 24/7.
So, what do we do with these emotions?
Our first instinct is to run away from them, to push them down, and admonish ourselves for feeling them. We don’t want to feel scared, or jealous or angry. It feels uncomfortable. And because we’ve been conditioned to see these emotions as “bad” or “negative”, we feel like there is something wrong with us. Add to this the fact that people keep on telling us to be positive and grateful, it’s no wonder we try to ignore them.
But here’s the problem – our emotions don’t go away. We recycle them. Yes, just because we ignore them and push them down, doesn’t mean they leave the building, so to speak. They sit there and fester underneath, and come out eventually.
We need to understand and accept that emotions are a part of being human. They are neither good nor bad, they merely exist. And the more we push them down, the more we flatline. We become disconnected and numb. Which isn’t a great place to be either.
Ronan Keating got it right - Life really IS a rollercoaster. You’ve just got to ride it. So how do you ride those emotions?
I see our emotions as tunnels. They have a beginning, a middle and an end. And for most of us, we get stuck in the middle. We flail about, as we tackle the guilt, the self-judgement, and the desperation to feel something else. And we wonder why we sit in that space for as long as we do.
One of the biggest mistakes I see people make when they deal with a hard emotion, is to cover it up with a bandaid of toxic positivity or gratitude or even affirmations. 9 times out of 10, it doesn’t work. When you’re feeling angry or jealous, writing down all the things you’re grateful for can piss you off even more. Chanting affirmations that you don’t believe, makes you feel even more mis-aligned than you already do.
So instead of covering them up, what do we do?
The first step is to meet our emotions where they are, with acceptance, self-compassion and zero judgement.
Acceptance that this is actually the way you feel. Sometimes just acknowledging – I feel scared right now, or I feel sad right now, can feel like a relief. It’s like a load has been lifted off your shoulders.
Self-compassion and understanding regarding why you feel this way. We are so hard on ourselves – we forget all the things we have been through to get here. It makes sense that you’re feeling all of this. And you’re not the only one. Remind yourself in this moment that what you’re feeling right now is normal and completely understandable.
And without judgement. Our emotions say nothing about who we are as people. We are separate from them. Just as we are separate from our thoughts. Try to separate yourself from them when it comes to your language i.e. you are not angry, you feel angry. You are not scared, you feel scared.
The next thing is to do something physical to work your way through them. This is because our emotions are stored and felt in our body, so it makes sense that we need to focus on this area. Here are some exercises you can do to help.
Anger. This is a big one. We’re angry that we have to go through this, that it’s so hard, and that very few people understand. What happens with this emotion is we tend to hot potato it. That is, it’s too hot for us to hold, so we try to throw it to someone else. This is where blame and jealousy come in. We want to direct our anger to a certain person. But that just keeps it going because we ruminate on conversations, and run stories in our head. Our anger keeps going around and around in a never-ending loop. We need to own our anger. And then we need to do something physical to release it. Scream into a pillow, punch a punching bag or a pillow, put a headbanger song on and thrash it out through dancing, throw rocks, go for a run. Just get it out!!
Sadness. We usually try to push this one down. We fake it, and try to hold in the tears. But holding it in is SO exhausting. So, create some pockets of time to release any kind of sadness. Watch a sad movie and cry with reckless abandon, or have a good shower cry. Crying is the best way to release sadness.
Fear. Pregnancy after infertility or loss is scary. There is no denying that. But fear is merely your brains way of trying to protect you. It sees the potential for hurt ahead, and so it keeps telling you to guard your heart. Which is kind of nice of it. Fear tends to dissipate however, when it’s shared. Just saying it out loud makes it a little less scary. Telling a friend, or sharing it inside a community, like the one inside Your Pregnancy Haven helps. Get a hug from a friend or your partner. As they say, a problem shared is a problem halved. You can find more information about our community for pregnancy after infertility or loss HERE.
Joy and happiness. Did you know that joy is one of the hardest emotions to feel? It’s called foreboding joy – yes, there’s actually a name for it. For more information on this, refer to the work by Brene Brown. This is the reason why, when you start to feel excited, it gets shut down pretty quick. It’s also the reason why we don’t want to “jinx” things. But how do you feel joy and excitement, without your monkey mind chiming in, telling you not to get too happy? The antidote to foreboding joy…is gratitude. Yes, it absolutely has a place here. And while it isn’t the antidote to anger, it helps lighten the resistance you may experience when you feel happy.
These are the main emotions you’ll experience on this journey, with variations along the way.
Each one of them is part of this rollercoaster. Each one of them has a use. Each one of them is important. And each one of them deserves your attention.
We are emotional beings. And that isn’t a fault – in fact, I believe it is our superpower. I love the fact that I can hear someone sharing their story, and cry with them and for them. I love that I can feel burning anger, when I hear that someone’s mother has made an insensitive or judgmental comment about their body. I love that my stomach flips with joy when someone goes for a scan and shares their success. Being emotional is not an insult, it’s a compliment.
There is no need to resist our emotions. Because they are proof that we are living a whole-hearted life. It shows that we are all in. And while it’s hard, it’s definitely worth the ride.
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