How do you set boundaries and maintain them when you’re pregnant?
What is it with pregnancy and boundaries? As soon as you get pregnant, all of a sudden, you’re not seen as a person, merely a uterus growing another human. Everyone has an opinion on all the things you’re doing. People feel like they have the right to make comments about your body – Ooooh you’ve popped out; Are you sure you’re only carrying one baby? You don’t even look pregnant. Heck, they even feel like they have the right to touch your body! And don’t even get me started on the unsolicited advice – people have no trouble telling you all the things you’re doing wrong, and what you should be doing instead.
It can be exhausting, especially when you’re pregnant after infertility or loss – because you’re in such a vulnerable position, and your confidence has already taken a big hit. So, all the comments and unsolicited advice can send you into a tailspin. And while in most cases, these comments are well intentioned, and are probably people’s way of connecting with you and sharing their experience with you, it still doesn’t mean it’s ok.
And that is why setting boundaries, communicating them, and enforcing them, is essential when you’re pregnant. It’s a form of self-preservation at such a vulnerable time in your life.
The consequence of us having insufficient boundaries in place, is that people have unfiltered access to our personal resources i.e. our time, our money, our attention, and most of all, our energy – both physical, psychological and emotional.
Setting boundaries can be hard and uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, boundaries get a bit of a bad rap, especially when a woman is trying to set them. We’ve been raised as people pleasers. So, if we set boundaries and start saying NO to things, it can feel like we’re being rude, selfish, or even a bitch. But in fact, boundaries are the kindest things we can give to others. It is providing them with an instruction manual on how to interact with you, which means they don’t have to guess about how to treat you, or tiptoe around you. And that provides relief to them.
Setting boundaries also gives other people permission to do the same. Whenever I see someone else saying no to something, it gives me the push I need to choose me too.
While it takes strength and courage to set a boundary, you have to remember that you and your baby are connected. Therefore, you are setting a boundary not just for yourself, but your baby too. It may feel uncomfortable to do it, and if guilt comes up, be compassionate with yourself. But at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself, what is it costing you by NOT setting a boundary?
We are in charge of determining what we will and won’t accept.
We are the ones who are responsible for working out what we’re willing to give in terms of our personal resources i.e. our internal boundaries. This is asking yourself – Do I want to go to that work function, even though I know I’ll be exhausted? Or, will I allow someone to touch my stomach, even though it makes me feel uncomfortable? When it comes to external boundaries, these are around who’s opinion or advice you are going to listen to. i.e. will I take on board what my work colleague who doesn’t have children has to say? Or will I only listen to my doctor? Remember also that you get to have the final say in things that are happening to your body.
So, when someone makes a comment about how your body looks i.e. your bump is too big, or too small, you are the one who gets to set a boundary and decide whether they get to have an opinion that you take on board. And as an aside, a great response for this is - my body is the right size for my baby, and my baby is the right size for my body.
Of course, there are some circumstances when the best course of action is to conserve your energy and walk away. This is usually the case when it’s a stranger that you’re never going to see again. In these circumstances, check in with yourself and the impact it is having on you internally, and look at how you’re treating yourself.
How do we know if we need better boundaries?
A sign that you need better boundaries is when resentment, irritation or anger rise to the surface. When this happens, our normal reaction is to blame the other person. But we need to take some responsibility in this too. Perhaps it’s because we didn’t have a hard enough boundary in place, or perhaps it’s because we didn’t communicate it properly?
While it’s helpful to know in advance what our boundaries are, it’s important to remember that they are fluid also. We get to change our mind and leave space for our boundaries to evolve. Of course, they’re driven by our values, but it isn’t always black or white. Our boundaries depend on how we’re feeling – whether we’ve had a good night’s sleep, or are feeling nauseas or stressed. They depend on who we’re talking to – you may have different boundaries with your mum, than you do a stranger on the street. Your mum may be able to touch your belly, but a stranger cannot.
What is NOT your responsibility?
But while you are responsible for setting your boundaries, you are not responsible for other people’s reaction to it. If someone is disappointed that you don’t want to have a baby shower, that’s not on you. If they’re upset because you’ve told them they can’t visit your baby at the hospital, that’s not on you. You don’t have to take responsibility for someone else’s feelings. That is not a YOU problem, it’s a THEM problem. We are all responsible for holding our own shit.
Which means that, as an adult, you get to make choices about how you live your life, in a way that is consistent with your values. Other people’s opinion on that, is not your problem or responsibility. This doesn’t mean that you become hardened to it or unemotional to the impact. It will feel uncomfortable, because it doesn’t feel nice to disappoint others. But we need to get comfortable, with feeling uncomfortable.
How do you actually set a boundary?
If you struggle setting or maintaining a boundary face to face, there is nothing wrong with doing it via text or email. That way you have enough time to gather your thoughts, craft a response, run it past a friend if you like, and not get overwhelmed by your emotions. This means you also have a written record of this.
Once you’ve sent the message, don’t wait by the phone waiting for a response. Go for a walk, or raise your heart rate to calm your nervous system. That way, when you do get a reply, you’re in a better place to respond.
You may be faced with resistance.
There will inevitably be people in your life who don’t appreciate your boundaries, and will provide resistance. They are usually the ones who take and take from you, with zero regard for your needs. For those who encroach upon your boundaries time and time again, you can take a stepped approach.
In your first interaction you can communicate the boundary – i.e. I don’t feel comfortable when you talk about my body, can we talk about the baby or how I’m feeling, instead of my looks?
If this is not respected, and another comment is made, you can take it to the next level of boundary setting, which doesn’t require a response from the other party – i.e. I’m unavailable for any conversation about my body and what it looks like.
You get to choose how many iterations until you set some consequences – i.e. if you keep bringing up the way my body looks, I will remove myself from the conversation and spend time away from you, because I can’t risk my emotional wellbeing.
Don’t be afraid to set physical boundaries. Limit access so the repeat offenders can’t harm you anymore. And remember, you don’t have to invite people in who you know are going to disrespect your boundaries. This is where it helps to have a gatekeeper too. Assign your partner with the responsibility of keeping those who are going to drain your personal resources, out of your circle.
The 2-minute version.
Boundaries are essential when you’re pregnant because you’re vulnerable.
There is nothing selfish or brutish about setting a boundary – in fact it’s showing kindness to others so they know where they stand with you, and it’s giving them permission to do the same.
Your boundaries are not set in stone – you get to change your mind and move them at any time.
A good sign that you need to set better boundaries, is if you feel resentment, irritation or anger rising to the surface.
You are responsible for setting your own boundaries, but you are not responsible for other’s reaction to you setting or maintaining them.
If someone continually keeps stepping over your boundaries after you have clearly set them, you have the right to limit their access to you.
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