The real problem with pregnancy after infertility or loss is…….

Ok, where do I begin? 

If you’re feeling like you’re failing at pregnancy, or that this is all your fault, I’m here to tell you it’s not. This is a problem with your current situation (being pregnant after infertility or loss), not with you personally.

So let me explain the real problem(s) here.   

Firstly, we all have that picture in our head of what pregnancy is supposed to look and feel like. And because of that, we have unrealistic expectations. We don’t realise that this path is different.  We don’t realise that a “perfect pregnancy” isn’t normal.  Yet, we try so hard to have a “normal” experience.

We want to announce our pregnancy the same way other people get to. We want to create a baby registry, decorate the nursery, pick out cute outfits from the baby store with our partner, have a gender reveal and even a baby shower. But now that you’re here, it all feels a little too overwhelming and redundant. Either those things feel like they cheapen the experience, and it trivializes your path to get here.  Or it scares the shit out of you.

Yet we try to push back and do the things we feel like we SHOULD be doing. And in the end, it’s not enjoyable, and it feels like we’re failing at all of it.

Secondly, it’s tough to transition to the fact that you are now pregnant.  Even uttering the words, I am pregnant, is enough to make us feel fear rise in a huge lump at the back of our throat.  While others are shouting to the rooftops that they’re having a baby, you can’t even choke out the words. 

If you’ve gone through years of infertility, you’ve spent so much time focusing on how to get pregnant, and now you’re in unchartered territory. You couldn’t even allow yourself to contemplate what you would do if it happened, because you needed to protect your heart.  You’ve tried not to picture it.  And you sure as heck haven’t googled anything to do with pregnancy.  So now you’ve been flung into the deep end without a paddle.

And not only do you not have a paddle, you don’t have a crew.  Because you’ve created a community for yourself in the groups that focus on infertility or pregnancy loss, you don’t really belong there anymore. You want to be respectful of your community and not trigger them, and you also want to distance yourself because you can’t handle talking about loss right now.

You don’t want to be classified as the 1 in 4 that suffers a loss anymore, you want to be the 3 in 4 that get their baby in the end. But it feels risky to leave their arms because you don’t want to “jinx it”, and you certainly don’t want to be alone. This feels like the in-between phase.  You don’t fit in with the infertility community, and you don’t fit in with the normal pregnancy groups who haven’t experienced loss or infertility either.

Next is a huge one - your innocence has been lost. For so long, you’ve been focused on loss and infertility – you’ve read story after story about those who struggle.  You’ve done the research to empower yourself. You know the horrible things that can happen to anyone.  And now you can’t unknow what you know.  Those two lines don’t automatically mean that you’re having a baby.  And the data that gave you comfort before and allowed you to feel less alone, is now a source of anxiety.

You can try to remind yourself that this is a different pregnancy.  But the problem is, if you reminded yourself last time that this is a different pregnancy, and the result ended up the same - it was not in fact a different pregnancy.  Your own history is triggering you.  You struggle to believe the thoughts that you’re having. And it feels like you’re just trying to trick your mindset. You want to have faith, but you can’t. Because you did once, and it didn’t work out.

Another problem is that all of a sudden, people think they can relate to everything you’re going through because you’re pregnant.  But unless they have been through it, they won’t understand that your pregnancy is different. That pregnancy after infertility or loss is not the same as a normal pregnancy. So, you struggle.

On one hand you want it to be the same experience everyone gets, but on the other hand you feel guilty.  It feels like your joy and excitement is disrespectful to the babies you have lost to get here.  You don’t want them to compare their pregnancy with your own. Because you have walked through hell and back to get here.  You don’t want your journey to be trivialised.  It’s a confusing feeling. 

And because this is a learned kind of experience, people don’t understand. They keep telling you to just be grateful, or just have faith.  But that’s easier said than done.  Because you were grateful and had faith the first time……and it didn’t work out. Or you’ve spent so many years on this shit-show of a rollercoaster, that the excitement and joy has been sucked out of it.

There is so much pressure to feel a certain way, and you cannot escape your own thoughts. You’re still triggered by pregnancy announcements, you’re constantly holding your breath when you go to the toilet to wipe, and every single symptom (whether you have it or not), sends you into a tailspin.

You can’t “just stop thinking about it” like everyone keeps saying.  Because you are walking a familiar path lined with milestones, reminders, triggers, grief, and most of all – the physical symptoms. You are on hyper-alert. Not to mention that you’re tired because you keep waking up to pee (taking your phone to the toilet so you can use the torch to check) and you’ve started having nightmares.

Your mind is continually going to the worst-case scenario. And you are powerless to stop it. It feels like you’re going crazy.

How did I go?  Did I nail it?  Is this a correct reflection of pregnancy after infertility or loss?  Are you experiencing this too? 

It’s not you – it’s the path.

But here is the real problem…..

The real problem is that you’re using outdated tools and coping mechanisms that don’t work here.  You’re trying to heal from a pregnancy loss at the same time as leaning into hope.  You’re relying on the things that may (or may not have) supported you during your fertility journey, for a chapter that is now completely different.

You are completely unprepared for this.  It’s blindsided you.

BUT, with every problem, there is a solution (ok, maybe not – but with this problem, there is a solution).

I can teach you how to manage your mindset.  I can teach you a better way to navigate your way through pregnancy after loss.

How would it feel to find some relief from the crippling thoughts?

To stop punishing yourself and struggling with the guilt that you SHOULD be feeling differently?

What if I told you there is a way to take back control of your thoughts, emotions, and feel some peace during your pregnancy?

It IS possible to navigate your way through your pregnancy and find joy.

Join me for a FREE webinar where I’ll be sharing with you my 5-step process to help you guide your thoughts from “worst case scenario”, to feeling calmer and more at peace.

During this masterclass, you will –

• Understand the real reason why your mind keeps wandering to the worst-case scenario – and it’s not because you’re crazy.

• Finally, slow the racing thoughts and doubts, quieten the chatter, stop the mind-struggle, and find that peace you’ve been craving.

• Learn physical actions and exercises you can implement to halt your monkey-mind from spiraling out of control, before it takes hold and drags you under.

• Feel more prepared and in control of your thoughts and emotions……and more like you.

Don’t miss out. Register for this free masterclass today by heading HERE.

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