A letter to my partner who is trying to support me through pregnancy after infertility or loss
Going through pregnancy after loss is……..well, it’s hard and complicated and long. We feel largely misunderstood by our friends and family……and our partners. And because of this, it’s a lonely journey.
We try to navigate our way, pushing down the guilt and fear, worrying that there is something wrong with us.
And we struggle to explain how this feels to our loved ones. I’d like to remove this challenge from you – because you’re already carrying enough. I’ve written a letter that you can share with your partner or your loved ones, explaining what is happening inside you, and letting them know how they can support you.
I hope it helps xx
Dear husband,
I find it difficult to say this to you in person, because I’m having trouble processing everything that is going on in my head right now, and I know that it won’t come out right. I’ll end up crying, and it will worry you. And above all else, that is what I am trying to avoid. But I really need you to hear me on this one.
Firstly, let me start by saying that I am so grateful to be pregnant right now. But I need you to know that I’m finding this pregnancy overwhelming, to say the least. There are moments when I don’t know how I’m going to get through it, and I want it to be over.
I feel guilty for not enjoying this pregnancy. I know other people would kill to be in our position, but being pregnant is hard. While people say it’s the most natural thing to happen to you, they are lying. Or at least, that is not my experience. The physical symptoms are unpleasant, to say the least, but it’s the way it’s playing with my mind and emotions that is the hardest.
I am feeling so many emotions right now. Some are related to pregnancy hormones, some are related to grief, and some are related to the expectations that I and everyone around me have about pregnancy in general.
While some people, including our doctor, may say that this is a “normal” pregnancy, our path to get here was anything but normal. And that matters more than anything.
And while I acknowledge that you are going through this pregnancy with me, our experiences are very different.
There may be times when I seem clingy or need more attention from you. I can’t explain how foreign this feels for me. I’m usually a confident and independent person, and I feel guilty that I need you so much. But right now, there is so much uncertainty. I am not in control of so many things, and it feels like I’m a passenger inside my body. It feels like my whole world (and body) is being turned upside down. And you have been my constant through all of this. You are the only person who knows the REAL truth of everything we have been through up to now. In the times I need reassurance, and to feel like the ground isn’t constantly moving underneath me, you provide me stability and comfort. So please don’t judge me for these moments. Please just be there for me.
I feel like I am carrying a huge amount of responsibility around on my shoulders. Your job in the creation of this baby is now complete, but mine isn’t. And I already have a huge amount of guilt from our previous loss(es). While I know it wasn’t my fault in my head, it happened inside me. It happened on my watch; therefore, I feel responsible.
When you try to make me feel better by telling me “I’m sure everything is fine” it’s not helpful. Because the truth is that you don’t know if everything is fine. And nor do I. You brushing off what I’m feeling physically or emotionally feels really dismissive. Like I’m being foolish for worrying.
I feel ashamed saying this, but sometimes I feel resentment toward you and jealous that you can just switch off from this. Sometimes at night, after I’ve woken up to go to the bathroom for the 3rd time, or am drenched in sweat at 3am after having yet another nightmare, I look over and see you sleeping soundly. I wish I could find some peace too.
I am on hyper-alert all the time, trying to figure out what every single symptom I feel could be. Is it normal, or is it a sign that something is wrong? It’s exhausting. Because of this, please don’t ask me to stop thinking about it. This is happening inside my body. And because of that, I can’t switch it off.
I constantly check on google what I can and can’t eat, and when I eat something that could potentially be harmful by mistake, I go into a blind panic. Every time I go to the bathroom, I hold my breath while I check for signs that this could be over with each wipe. I’m too scared to exercise, even though my doctor says it’s ok. And every twinge I feel sends me into a downward spiral.
I’m still triggered by pregnancy announcements. I’m still jealous of other people feeling free enough to announce their pregnancy when just saying the words “I am pregnant” make me feel terrified. I hate the fact that I’m more scared than excited. I wish I could feel confident that this pregnancy will result in a baby, but I can’t.
I know it sounds weird, but I don’t want to forget the path we have been down to get here. I don’t want to forget our previous babies who didn’t make it into our arms. I want to acknowledge they existed. Which is why other people’s excitement triggers me too. Part of me feels guilty that they’re more excited than I am. And part of me wants to make sure that everyone’s joy at this pregnancy doesn’t extinguish the shitty path we had to go down to get here. It needs to be acknowledged too. Because I can’t forget.
When you ask me to have faith or be hopeful, I know you mean well. But it doesn’t help. Having hope and faith at this stage feels a little reckless and quite frankly, naïve. Because we now know that a positive pregnancy test, doesn’t automatically equal a baby. It didn’t work out before, and you don’t know whether it will work out this time or not.
I guess what I want to say most of all is that I’m sorry it’s so hard to support me through this right now. At times, I feel like I’m being so irrational and I wonder all the time whether I’m going crazy. But I’m not (I promise). Pregnancy after infertility or loss is different and I’m not the only one who feels this fear – it rarely gets spoken about because we feel a huge amount of shame. And your experience of this pregnancy is completely different from mine. I am living inside the fear, the sadness, the grief and all the other emotions every single day. There is no escaping it.
So as much as the task of supporting me seems impossible right now, there are some things you can do. Instead of trying to fix me. Instead of trying to make me feel better. Please just sit beside with me while I try to navigate these emotions and this experience. Be supportive. Don’t judge me for the weird way my brain is acting and my emotions are showing up right now. It’s important that I can share my truth with you. Please listen to my fears instead of dismissing them as trivial. Hold my hand. Offer to give me a hug. Tell me my fears are valid.
Please take my side and help protect me when I’m feeling vulnerable. Fight for me. Defend me. Stand by my side. Listen to me when I need to talk. And really hear me. Ask me what I need.
And even if you don’t understand everything that is going on inside me, tell me that you love me. And that we’re in this together. Because right now, you are my rock. You aren’t redundant in this pregnancy. I need you.
Love,
X
I hope this letter helps. Because it’s important we feel supported by those close to us.
It is so hard to find some peace on this journey. There is no escape from pregnancy because you’re living inside it. But you CAN find some relief.
It’s time to release the anxiety and fear and start feeling the hope, excitement and joy you deserve in your pregnancy.
Take action now by downloading this simple guide with 5 ways to find peace in your pregnancy today. Grab your copy HERE.
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