How do you create some calm and peace while pregnant after loss?
When your world is spinning out of control, its hard to find a state of calm. Pregnancy after infertility or loss, forces us into a constant state of turmoil – we struggle with the big emotions that come up. We argue with our inner thoughts. We re-walk a path of grief. We’re still triggered by pregnancy announcements, and pregnant women. And the path before us seems long and uncertain. It feels like you’re just fighting to get to that first ultrasound, then the next one, then the next one. The days feel like an eternity.
There is a constant feeling of discontent. Like you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop, dreading hearing those words again – I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat. Everything is just so out of control.
We resist the emotions that come up. The sadness, the anger, the fear, the guilt, the resentment. Because we’ve been taught that there is something wrong with feeling them. People continually tell us to be positive and grateful. But the more we resist and try to feel a particular way, the more we perpetuate the struggle.
One of the questions I get asked the most is –
How do I release control and surrender?
How do I feel content, at peace and find balance during this pregnancy?
They’re all reasonable questions. We all want that feeling of peace, especially when you’re trying to enjoy the experience of pregnancy – because you know it’s such a gift. Other people would give anything to have the problem you have now. But maybe we’re coming at it from the wrong angle?
You see, I’m your typical type A personality – I love control, and I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. If I’m going to do something, I’ll do it bloody well, or not at all. I’m driven and determined and thrive on achievement. So, while I love the thought of releasing control and surrendering, in reality, I’m not that comfortable with it.
And I truly believe that you don’t have to release control and surrender, in order to find a little bit of peace. Because the more you try, the more frustrated you’re going to get. Releasing control isn’t about handing the fate of your pregnancy over to the fertility gods. It’s about working out what you can and can’t control.
The main reason why you want to release control is that you’re exhausted, right?! You’re sick of fighting for joy and happiness, and to finally hold your baby in your arms. Especially when others don’t have to.
It’s not about surrendering either – because that can give the indication that you don’t care – and you do – and that’s a good thing
Nor is it about feeling completely content. In my opinion, discontent sometimes can be a good thing. It means you won’t just be satisfied. It means you’ll question the diagnosis, push for the extra ultrasound, and fight for your right to be treated like a human with valid feelings and concerns.
It’s about finding that sweet spot between pushing and advocating for yourself, putting your feet up, and giving yourself a little grace.
So, I guess what I’m saying is that what we need to aim for is BALANCE.
The good news is that you don’t have to change everything about yourself in order to find some peace during your pregnancy.
What CAN you do then?
Rest. This needs to be a priority because you’re growing another human inside you right now. And that takes a lot of energy. If your body is dragging and you struggle to pull your ass out of bed each day, listen to it. It’s telling you to take it easy. And that doesn’t have to look like spending the whole day laying on the couch. But if you need a 30-minute rest before you cook dinner, or if you need a cat nap in the middle of the day between your work appointments. Do it. Remember – this is all about balance. We need to know when to push, and when to pause. And right now, your body will tell you (very loudly), what it needs right now. Listen closely. Because when we’re tired, our monkey mind is on high alert. This is when the logical part of our brain shuts off and the seeds of doubt are planted. So if you’d like to find peace inside your mind, make sure it’s rested.
Make changes in your environment. Sure, peace and calm begin inside. Peace is not a place or a destination – it’s not something you will automatically feel when you finally hold your baby in your arms. Nor is it a deserted island. But those things certainly do help. Our environment can definitely add to our stress and anxiety. So, making some changes in your outside world will help lessen your inner turmoil.
When life feels heavy, it helps to lighten the load around you. Your insides reflect your outsides, so if you have a lot of clutter around you, you’ll feel overwhelmed too. Here are some changes you can make that are really simple and effective –
Start with your workspace – when I have papers, sticky notes, and books everywhere, I’m less productive. So, clean up your workspace. It will clear your desk AND your mind.
Your house – do you have clutter everywhere? Unopened mail and magazines on the kitchen bench, washing piled on beds, a refrigerator filled with food you’re not going to eat, a kitchen pantry with out-of-date food, and Tupperware with no lids? Do a big cleanup. It feels good, it’s a great distraction, and it will help you take pride in your surroundings, and in yourself.
Look at your purse and handbag – do you have receipts, unused gift cards, and dirty tissues in there? I cleaned out my handbag the other day and counted 8 hairbands – like WTF?! Not only will it literally lighten the load you carry on a daily basis, it feels great.
Your phone – is it filled with Apps you no longer use and photos you don’t need? Clean it up!
How is the ambiance in your house? Does it feel like a calm place to live? Try adding a few plants, ensuring there’s plenty of natural light and fresh air. Get an oil diffuser and put some beautiful essential oils in it to change the vibe in your house. Put on some calming music instead of listening to the news in the background.
Just a few small tweaks in your environment can make a huge difference to the way you feel inside.
What are you spending your time on? When you spend most of your time googling pregnancy symptoms, it can definitely feel like it’s all-consuming. It can increase anxiety, and our minds can’t shut off. What you are consuming matters. And distraction is key. Clean up your social media feed, or switch it off. Turn off the news. Look at your social circle – hang out with those people who provide you with a little peace. Do the little things that give you joy – heading away for the weekend to the beach or somewhere in nature. Going to your favorite coffee shop, binge-watching Netflix, doing a yoga class, or starting a creative project.
You can be content AND want more.
You can release some of the weight you’ve been carrying around AND still have control.
You can have peace without completely surrendering.
You can be living with uncertainty AND still know what direction you’re moving in.
It’s not about one or the other.
It’s about finding a little bit of balance.
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