The common mistakes we make when pregnant after infertility or loss (and how you can avoid them)
When I look back on my pregnancy with Sophie (after 7 years of infertility and 2 x pregnancy losses) there are so many things I wish I had done better. And after 3 years of working with and supporting women through their own pregnancy journey, I’m familiar with the challenges that come up, and the biggest mistakes that we all tend to make.
So I’m going to share the most common ones with you, not for you to punish yourself if you’re currently doing this, but to empower you. So you can learn how to do things better. Because while I can’t turn back the hands of time and make my journey through pregnancy a little easier, I can help you with yours.
Here are the mistakes we tend to make -
1. Not accepting that Pregnancy after loss or infertility is different.
Before I got pregnant with Sophie, I had this picture in my head of how my pregnancy was supposed to look and feel. We go into this thinking that it will look the same as we imagined. We’re going to announce our pregnancy on social media at 12 weeks using that cute little template we saw on pinterest, we’re going to buy that adorable little onesie we’ve been eyeing off for so long , then we’ll hold our baby shower, and decorate the nursery with excitement and joy. And when we’re not able to do this, we feel like we’re failing at it.
Pregnancy after infertility or loss is different, because the path you have walked down to get here is different. Which means that your normal coping strategies may not work either.
What should you do instead?
Let’s accept that your experience may be different, and it doesn’t mean anything about you or your baby. And because of this, it helps to alter your expectations, so you’re not punishing yourself. Be prepared that you may not be able to see pregnant people, or pregnancy announcements still without being triggered. That the act of getting pregnant isn’t just a switch that turns off all the trauma and things that set you off previously.
Instead of setting the expectation that you’re going to feel safe at a certain time, or expecting that this is going to be a magical experience, go into it with a different, and more compassionate mindset. Lower your expectations (I know – it even feels uncomfortable to write that), but this eliminates the expectation gap we fall into. Because anything less than what we expect, feels like failure, and we beat ourselves up.
Let’s not force our pregnancy to fit within the stereotyped version we see over on Instagram or Pinterest. Because this is different, and you need to set yourself up for success, instead of failure.
2. Forcing yourself to “just be positive or grateful”
I am definitely not a fan of the “just be positive and grateful” advocates. It feels toxic, fake, and most importantly…..it doesn’t work!! Yes, I fell into that trap too. People told me to be positive and have hope, which is easier said than done when you’re carrying a whole lot of unprocessed trauma and grief in your backpack. Yet, I repeated the affirmations and got a gratitude journal. But the harder I “worked” at changing my mindset, the worse it became. I couldn’t figure it out. But it’s not that I wasn’t working hard enough. It’s because of the way we’re wired.
You see, 80% of our nerves run from our body up to our brain. Why is this important? Well, stress is stored in our body – and we know that because we have a physical reaction when we’re stressed or triggered. Our breathing changes, we can start to sweat, your heart races, you may feel tension in your shoulders etc. So, when you start freaking out because you experience spotting or a cramp, just telling yourself that you’re safe isn’t effective, because only 20% of the messaging is getting from your brain to our body. No, it’s not because you’re not thinking positively enough or repeating enough mantra’s. This is biology.
What should you do instead?
Instead of just focusing on our mindset (which is still important), we need to take a whole-body approach when we deal with our stress and anxiety. Using body-based techniques (there are so many), like a 20 second hug, or a 6 second kiss can tell our body it is safe. Plus, if you tell yourself you’re safe at the same time, it’s coming at it from both angles, which is going to be more effective.
3. We try to control the uncontrollable
I like control. I’m not ashamed of admitting it. I’ve spent my whole life trying to create safety through it. But the biggest mistake we all make when we’re pregnant, is to waste our energy controlling the things that we can’t.
I love this analogy – too many of us are trying to control the river (the end result), instead of steering the ship (us). It sums it up perfectly.
And in our efforts to control the river, we waste so much time and energy. We continually try to justify or explain to others why we’re feeling more fear than excitement. We’re trying to speed up time. But most of all, we’re trying to control the ultimate outcome. We know in our logical brain that we can’t control these things, but that doesn’t stop us from trying. But because we’re so exhausted from controlling all of that, we don’t have the energy to focus on what we actually can control.
What should you do instead?
Let’s focus on the things you CAN control instead. This can include:
The quality of information you’re getting (going to your doctor instead of google)
How you’re spending your time, and what you’re consuming (limiting social media if needed).
Asking for what you need i.e. going for more frequent scans
The level of support you’re receiving.
Your mental and physical health.
We need to start steering the ship!
For more insights on fertility myths and nutrition, visit The Dietologist: Fertility Nutrition: The 5 Biggest Myths Debunked
4. We try to do this alone.
I’m a fiercely independent person, which means that reaching out for help can feel uncomfortable. And because of that, I shut up shop and travelled my pregnancy in silence and alone. And it made it SO much harder.
But I get it. Pregnancy is an incredibly vulnerable time, so the thought of connecting with others and airing our dirty laundry in public can feel risky and outside our comfort zone (and make us feel even more vulnerable). Plus, we’re so used to faking it for other people’s benefit (because we don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable by sharing our truth), we suck it up and trudge on in solitude.
BUT, when we shut off from the rest of the world, it actually amplifies the problem, because everything we’re experiencing has no where to go. And instead of moving through the emotions, we get stuck inside them.
What should you do instead?
Connection and getting help are essential, because they provide a way to process what you’re going through. When we hold it inside, it goes around and around. But when we speak it out loud, it allows us to release it. It helps us bounce off others and problem solve. To see it outside ourselves, to acknowledge it’s existence, and receive validation. That way, what we’re feeling isn’t wrapped in shame. Brene Brown says that the antidote to shame is empathy. And to quote her –
"If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive."
You can get that empathy, validation and support through a friend, a therapist, a coach (like me), or a community, like Your Pregnancy Haven – which is exactly why I created it. So women, like you, who are pregnant after infertility or loss, have a safe place to go outside the normal pregnancy groups (because these can be filled with triggers too).
You don’t have to go through this alone!
Now if you’d like to feel more empowered in your pregnancy, you can. If you’d like to learn how to do this better, instead of just sucking it up, there IS a better way.
Inside our Your Pregnancy Haven membership program, we’re holding a series of Masterclasses to teach you how to overcome the common mistakes and challenges we experience during pregnancy after infertility or loss. We cover ALL the emotions, including the panic, the anxiety, the uncertainty, the fear, disconnection and resistance to hope, resentment, jealousy (there’s a lot!).
Learn how to regulate your nervous system, manage your mindset away from the worst case scenario, feel more connected to your pregnancy, and start leaning into hope…..and a whole lot more.
You can find out more by heading to www.yourpregnancyhaven.co.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO REDUCE YOUR PREGNANCY ANXIETY?
Join us inside Your Pregnancy Haven, our support program and community for women who are currently pregnant after infertility or loss.
✔ Receive 24/7 encouragement, love and understanding, in our community chat groups.
✔ Find support, knowledge and relief through our weekly group coaching calls, our in-house doula, and interviews with 30+ qualified experts.
✔ Experience hope and inspiration with our weekly emails, challenges and monthly magazine.
✔ Learn strategies and tools to help you take back control of your mindset, so you can reduce your fear, and feel moments of joy in your pregnancy.