The number 1 thing you should do if getting or staying pregnant was hard (and why most people don't do it).

I don’t know about you, but I had no idea how hard it would be to get pregnant! 

They don’t teach you that at school, do they?!  I naively thought that if I just had unprotected sex, it would happen. I was SO careful my whole life. Turns out I didn’t need to be. Because for me, it took 5 years, a whole lot of money, science and heartbreak. Oh, and a surrogate too!

Then after all the bumps to finally get to that finish line. The promised land. Those magical two lines on the pregnancy test. I found it just as hard to STAY pregnant! 

They don’t teach you about that in school either. Actually, I can’t remember a whole lot of REAL sex education taking place at all. It was all about putting a condom on a banana.

So, it’s an understatement to say that I was pretty unprepared for infertility AND pregnancy loss. Which means that I made a LOT of mistakes. 

And I know I’m not alone either.

For some of us, getting pregnant is one of the hardest things we will ever do. 

Infertility can be a long, challenging, triggering and soul-destroying journey. Which means that when you are lucky enough to get to that finish line - when the blood work finally confirms you’re pregnant…….you’re exhausted. You’re completely drained – physically, financially and emotionally. 

And for a lot of us, it doesn’t end there. Unfortunately, a positive pregnancy test doesn’t automatically mean that you’ll be holding your baby safely in your arms 9 months later. Considering 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss, that initial elation can end in miscarriage and a barrage of trauma, loneliness and guilt……just to name a few of the most common emotions. 

So, what is the ONE thing you should do if getting and staying pregnant is hard?

First, I’ll tell you what we actually do (based on my own personal experience).

After we hear that joyous news, fear rears its ugly head.  The initial excitement wears off and that little voice starts – what if this one ends in loss, what if I can’t handle it, what will we do next?  So, we isolate ourselves, we shut the doors, we pull the blanket over our eyes and we sit in our fear.  Every time our heart opens and we start to dream of what it would be like to feel our baby grow inside us; it’s shut down by that voice. It screams – don’t be stupid, as if we could be happy, don’t get your hopes up because it will hurt and you’ll feel foolish when it doesn’t work out.  We’re consumed by anxiety and we’re desperate for an ounce of certainty and control on this completely uncontrollable and uncertain path. 

As a result, we do the only thing we can think of to get certainty.  We search for an answer to that question – will I be ok?  Our doctors can’t answer the question.  So, who can?  Google!!  Yes, we open up our google search engine and research all about pregnancy symptoms, miscarriage symptoms, we ask questions like - what should you be feeling right now? And then we dig a little deeper – we are ferocious for a dash of hope, so we read the stories of complete strangers from across the world, just searching for someone this worked out for.  We ask about blood loss and discharge and twinges we’re feeling – desperate for confirmation that it’s all going to be ok.

It becomes an addiction and grows our fear even more. We spiral. And even though we know what we’re doing is a little crazy, we can’t stop ourselves. 

But instead of it satisfying our fear, it escalates and compounds it.

If that’s you, I want to tell you that this reaction is completely normal. We all do it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of at all.  But it’s helpful to understand why we do this, and why it’s so hard to stop.

So why do we shut off and sit inside our fear?

No, it’s not because you’re crazy.

Firstly, remember – you’re exhausted and mentally drained, not to mention perhaps suffering from a deep trauma due to the path that has led you here.  And when we’re carrying this load, we don’t think rationally.  Our monkey-mind takes over, our insecurities come to the surface, and the next step we take isn’t thought out very well at all.

The fear is completely normal, because this is important. You’ve wanted this for so long. And our fear is our minds way of protecting us. Because there is uncertainty ahead and a reminder of pain.  So, our brain switches to survival instinct.  It shuts down and says – no hoping, no moving forward, no telling people, no dreaming, no speaking about our fear, no acknowledging we’re pregnant. Let’s just stay very still and hope that the scary thing goes away. 

Your mind may even tell you……. once I get to 8 weeks, then we’ll open up a little.  Then you get to 8 weeks and your brain says…...nope, still not safe.  Then you negotiate with your mind – when we get to the 12-week scan and can see the heartbeat, then we’ll come out of our shell.  So, you get to the next milestone and your brain once again shakes its head because bad things can still happen.  Anyway, you get the drift, right?  And while our brain is merely trying to protect us from potential heartbreak, it’s doing us a complete disservice in the process. It’s keeping us stuck.

Which brings us to the solution of how YOU can feel peace, calm and enjoy your pregnancy.

What is the one thing you SHOULD do when you get pregnant after infertility and/or loss?

Join us inside Your Pregnancy Haven.

This is the exact thing you need as soon as you see those two lines on that pink stick. Because very shortly after that you will start to spin. Your monkey-mind will kick in and tell you not to hope. It may even tell you that you shouldn’t join just yet, because you’ll jinx it.  And even though your rational brain will say that this is NOT true, that you don’t have any control of the outcome, your monkey mind will start to play tricks on you. It will keep you up at night and it will rob you from enjoying every precious moment of this pregnancy.

Your Pregnancy Haven will quieten your monkey mind. 

It will provide you with the reassurance you need, that what you are feeling and going through is normal, so you can start being a little kinder to yourself. And when we give ourselves a little grace, we can loosen our grip on the need for certainty, our shoulders release some of the tension, and we start to feel a little peace.

Your Pregnancy Haven will stop you from spinning out of control.

We simplify everything for you. All the information you need is in one place. Watch interviews from qualified experts, like clinical psychologists, anxiety experts, trauma specialists, nutritionists, exercise physiologists, midwives, mindset coaches, birth coaches – so many! You don’t need to get caught up in google and pulled into the downward spiral.

You can access information on -

• When and how you should announce your pregnancy (and why pregnancy announcements still trigger you)

• How to reduce your anxiety at your next scan.

• Morning sickness and how to reduce it.

• Foods you should be consuming to sustain your body and what to avoid.

• What exercise is safe for you and your baby.

• Birth plans and what to expect.

• SO MUCH MORE!!

You can receive all the reassurance, and stop the google frenzy.

I have learned that when we know better, we do better. And you deserve a pregnancy that you can enjoy, instead of just living day by day, shutting out the whole world and feeling like you’re wasting this precious time. You’ve worked so hard to get here, and it’s a miracle that you’re here – so you get to lean into the magic of this journey.

You will find strength here. On the days when you feel weak and disheartened. When it seems like time is standing still.  You can come here for inspiration. Inside our loving community chat, you will find other women who have stood where you are, who have encountered challenges, and who have walked forward. 

You will find encouragement and support in abundance. Imagine how it would feel to be understood. Instead of your friends and family not understanding why you feel more fear than excitement, you will get nods of “me too” right here. This is a safe space where you can share your honest feelings without fear of judgement. Because we have been there too. 

And you will see your fear become manageable. You will no longer be sitting inside it.  And while it may not disappear completely, you will be able to breathe again. You will be able to see your rainbow a little more clearly.   

You will build up your strength and resilience. And feel completely supported. Take back control and know that you are doing all you can to not only support your body and your baby, but also your mindset – and your mental health is SO important right now.  You may even feel brave enough to announce your pregnancy, or even have a baby shower. So, you can experience all the excitement that pregnancy promises.

Don’t let infertility and loss take anything else away from you. You don’t have to miss out!

And……if by chance something DID go wrong, well that's when you'll discover the BIG benefits of joining. Because you'll have access to a coach at your fingertips, a support network who gets it, and resources and connections to get you through the tough times, so you can stand back up again.

I’m always reminded of a quote by Dr Rebecca Ray (who was our first guest expert inside Your Pregnancy Haven – you can watch our interview inside too) –

She was never quite ready.

But she was brave.

And the Universe listens to brave.

You are brave enough to take the first step outside your fear.  And we will take care of the rest.

And the first step is saying YES to you and your baby.

Join us today and find the peace and reassurance you deserve in your pregnancy.

Click HERE for more information.

Jen xx

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