5 common myths about miscarriage and pregnancy loss.

1 in 4 pregnancies result in a loss. I’m sorry for the bluntness of that statement, however there is no way to sugar coat the reality. I wasn’t aware of that statistic until I became the 1 in 4. This statistic is fact (well according to google – I couldn’t find the source of who actually does these studies).

However, there are a lot of myths surrounding miscarriage and pregnancy loss. Things that we believe to be true, that are complete bullsh*t.  And I’d like to dispel a few of them right now. So, you can lighten the load you’re carrying. 

It won’t take away the pain, because nothing will. This is grief we’re dealing with here. But it may help you move forward, and stop you from suffering as a result. These are things that I have learned along the way, based on my own personal experience with loss.

Myth #1 – It hurts less if you don’t hope and dream, or connect to your baby. 

After suffering two miscarriages, when we got pregnant again with our little girl, Sophie, I tried to disconnect my emotions. I didn’t have a baby shower. I didn’t take many photos of my growing baby bump. We didn’t even buy a baby seat until after she was born. 

But I was fooling myself. While I wasn’t connecting outwardly, I was already deep in love with that little baby growing inside me. I’m reminded of this by a recent passage written by one of my coaching clients, who suffered an incredible loss. I shared it over on Instagram and it went viral, because it connected with so many people. She wrote –

The day I missed my period I saw those 2 lines on the test and my heart fluttered with excitement, but I tried not to love you yet.

A blood test confirmed it, I changed my diet and did only gentle exercise, but I tried not to love you yet.

I saw your little heart beating for the first time as mine grew into something new, but I tried not to love you yet.

As 12 weeks came and went, I grew brave and bought things for your little body to wear one day, and I let myself love you.

Later when I was told that little heart had stopped, I couldn't understand; it wasn't supposed to be like this. 

I'd done everything right, been so careful - even with my heart. But the truth is I loved you before any of it.

I loved you through midnight conversations with your dad about your favorite dinosaur, what your life's passion would be, who you would look like more (him, I hoped).

When I lost you, I lost not those few weeks, but an entire future. You never got to start your life, but I will love you for the rest of mine.

Because the truth is, you already love your baby. You’re already hoping and dreaming about them – you’ve been doing it since before they were conceived. And the pain? Well, unfortunately it hurts regardless.

Myth #2 – That your miscarriage is your fault, that it’s karma because of something you did, or it’s a sign that you’re not meant to be a mother.

When the ground is ripped out from under you, it’s hard not to take responsibility. It’s happening inside your body; therefore, you must have done something to cause it, right?

However, I have spoken to MANY fertility specialists on this very subject. And unless you’re a junkie, an alcoholic or smoke a packet of cigarettes a day, you’re pretty much off the hook.  There are very few things you can actually do to cause a miscarriage.

Now let’s deal with the mindset issues and our belief in a higher power. Our belief in karma and signs can play tricks on our logical mind. And it’s because we need an answer to that question of…….WHY?!!  Why did this happen to us?  We search high and low for a reason, and when there isn’t a physical reason why, we still find a way to take the blame. 

It’s also because we keep hearing people say to us – everything happens for a reason.  And I used to believe that too, so I lay awake at night wondering why this was happening to us.  However, I don’t believe that anymore. There is too much pain and injustice in this world for there to be a reason for suffering. 

The hard truth is that bad sh*t happens to good people. You are a good person. You are not being punished. And you will make an amazing mother. End of story.

Myth #3 – The reason for your miscarriage is because you told people, you put it out into the universe……and you jinxed it.

The rational side of your brain realizes that this sounds a little silly, but after trying to conceive for a long time and/or living through miscarriage, this is an actual thought pattern. It’s related to Myth #2 where we try to find a reason why, and take the blame for it.

I’ve written a separate blog about jinxing and superstitions, which you can read HERE. 

But the general premise is that…...well……it isn’t real. Basically, jinxing means to bring bad luck to; or cast an evil spell on. Which sounds a little like voo doo, right?  We all have our own beliefs, but the good news is that there is no scientific evidence that jinxing is real. 

So, if you want to put it out there. If you want to join a support community for women who are pregnant after loss (like Your Pregnancy Haven), you can without fear. 

One of the most common fears I hear from women who are pregnant after loss, is that they don’t want to acknowledge it or get the support because they don’t want to jinx it. So instead, they travel in silence, completely paralyzed by fear. 

To be completely clear – joining Your Pregnancy Haven WILL NOT result in a miscarriage. However, it WILL provide you the comfort, relief and support at the time you need it the most.

If you are currently pregnant after loss, HERE is where you can find more details.

Myth #4 - Time will heal it all, and if you just keep moving forward or get pregnant again, it will remove the pain of loss. 

Time heals all wounds.

It’s a popular saying, however I have not found this to be true when it comes to a lot of things, including miscarriage. Time is not the healer. Nor is getting pregnant again. I know this is the natural reaction when you suffer a miscarriage – it creates a hole so deep inside you that you need it to be filled up again……now.  The most logical thing to fill that gap, is another pregnancy. And the more it hurts, the more desperate we are to get pregnant again. 

Unfortunately, however, if we don’t deal with the grief, it makes pregnancy after loss even harder.

While time does lessen the sting a little, it doesn’t remove the grief.

The thing that does allow us to heal is working through it. And I say “working” through it – because it is work. It’s not easy to sit in our pain. In order to start the healing process, we need to talk about our miscarriage and acknowledge that it happened.

Unfortunately, for some reason, miscarriage is a taboo subject. No one knows what to say to a couple who have just had a miscarriage, and it makes everyone feel uncomfortable, so we keep quiet. Until of course it comes out at a social event, and you find out that of the 10 women sitting around the table, 5 of them put their hand up and say, ME TOO.  I still wonder why we suffer in silence. This journey is isolating, but it’s mainly because we choose not to talk about it.

Allow yourself the time and space to cry and feel sad. And if you’re scared that if you start crying you won’t stop or that you’ll be swallowed whole, I can promise you, you won’t.  The emotions wouldn’t have been created if we didn’t have the strength or ability to feel them. 

Myth #5 – Miscarriage is something to be ashamed of.

I think one of the reasons why we don’t talk about miscarriage is because we’re ashamed of it. We believe that our body failed us, and it makes us less of a woman. After all, our bodies were designed for reproduction, however a failed pregnancy can trigger insecurities over our worthiness. 

Shame, according to Brene Brown, is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It causes us to feel trapped, powerless and isolated. 

And based on my experience with miscarriage, it was all of these things and a whole lot more.

The antidote to shame however is empathy. By talking about your shame with a friend who expresses empathy, the painful feeling cannot survive. 

And just to clarify in case you need to hear this – MISCARRIAGE IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

If you know how this feels and have lived through a miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss.  It’s an experience that few will understand unless they have been through it. And it isn’t just the emotional loss (as if that isn’t enough), it is the physical effect it has on your body. The physical pain, the trauma, and the long road to recovery. 

Please remember – you did nothing to deserve this, you are not broken and you are more than worthy. 

It’s important that you give yourself a little grace, show yourself some kindness. Drop your expectations of how you should be able to “handle” it better. Or “get over it” quicker – note – you do not get over a miscarriage, you walk through it. 

You aren’t weak or crazy. Your heart has been shattered into a million pieces. 

So, take it easy and be gentle with yourself.

Love,
Jen xx

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